It’s Not Easy Being Green

I’m slowly destroying a world that has done me no ill.  Even though being the worst eco role model of all time ensures my daughter will legally change her name to Chlorophyll Moonshine in between bouts of chaining her unshaven legs to towering trees, I just can’t stop myself.

Exhibit A
I flush used tampons. Even better – I only recently learned this is not kosher. I’ve never seen a dolphin at sea gargling a mouthful of used tampons so I never thought twice about yanking and flushing. I could do the right thing at work. But my bathroom at home doesn’t have a separate bin with a jaunty swinging lid that someone else is emptying for me, so as long as the toilet keeps its mouth open and welcoming, whoop, there you go kind sir! I’m also being considerate – as a good hostess how could I dare tempt the gag reflex of my guests with an item sitting on top of the trash that has been INSIDE ME. True – Stella was once all up in there too BUT she can speak and has cute eyelashes so people forgive that fact.

Exhibit B
Which brings me to bags. I have never ever ever remembered to bring my reusable bags when I shop. So I take the store’s plastic bags. They serve one spectacularly unique but fucking huge purpose. What else would I use in a bathroom garbage can? For REALS – if you have NO liner in your bathroom garbage can, I have noticed, judged you and then not eaten for 2 days, imagining you with your arm deep in there, working hard to free that last used q-tip, encrusted to the bottom of the bin, with your BARE HANDS. Guess what solves that fucking unnecessary problem? A plastic bag.

Exhibit C
I run the water in both the kitchen and bathroom taps excessively. I will “clean” a smoothie-encrusted cup (it’s the banana of all things that clings like a son of a bitch) by running very hot water into it for like 2 minutes. Co-workers and my mother-in-law have turned off taps for me like I’m six and don’t have a conscience. I leave the bathroom tap running when I brush my teeth. I have left it running while showering (by accident) many times. There’s a reason I wasn’t alive in the old-timey times when water was in wells AND why rugged camping trips and me are strangers. I am greedy and excessive with natural resources, and when you live in apartments for years where the hot water is plentiful and deliciously non-stop, you just tend to get asshole-ish with water.

I’m one person. I have enough people on my Facebook feed alone that love the earth and give the old gal her due respect, so the balance should be still good.

So, if you need me, I’ll be having back-to-back baths while my kid dreams peacefully of a green future that I’m like 44% sure will come to pass.