DISCLAIMER: I do not and have never had an open case with Child Protection Services. And I’ve also never stolen any copper wiring. But I have tried to color my own hair before. The resulting look inspired the invention of Chia Pets.
Today is my first full day as an unemployed person. I’m back to being a stay-at-home mom and quite happy about it.
Yesterday, leaving work for the last time, I felt like Dorothy at the end of The Wizard of Oz tearfully saying “Goodbye, Tin Man! Goodbye, Lion! Goodbye, Scarecrow!” That emotional experience taught me that most of my coworkers have never seen The Wizard of Oz. And that people really don’t like to be called things like “Scarecrow” and “Tin Man” if they don’t get the reference.
Working full time, with a husband in another state, two kids and four pets to maintain has left me frazzled beyond the help of Xanax-infused Calgon. I’ve never been one of those women who could juggle a lot at one time.
They say to start out with scarves. And with lots of practice, you can slowly work your way up to juggling leaf blowers and livestock on America’s Got Talent. But the Youtube tutorials didn’t work for me. My brother Rob was a great juggler. Growing up, he used to practice with eggs all the time, which is why we always had to have Pop Tarts for breakfast, rather than French toast. And why, to this day, people’s shoes still get stuck to my mom’s kitchen floor.
Wait…not that kind of juggling.
What I meant was, I’m not one of those moms who is chief of staff at the local hospital, runs two successful side businesses, home schools her 11 children, publishes a New York Times best selling young adult series, raises her own certified organic vegetables, wins three triathlons a year, always has her kids’ raffle tickets sold before the deadline and never turns down her husband’s requests for nightly affection. Whoever she is, I hate her. I’d totally not wave at her in traffic. But she wouldn’t notice because she’d be too busy organizing a mission trip to Croatia and quizzing her kids on practical uses for Plutonium.
So, in order to preserve my sanity and get CPS off my back, my job had to go. Which, unfortunately means that the paycheck did too. Which regrettably means that I’ll soon be coloring my own hair, shopping at Goodwill (more than I already do), collecting tin cans and stealing my neighbors’ copper wiring. As they say, resourcefulness is Godliness.
So, here I sit, at 1:51 pm, looking around my living room for the first time, thinking “so that’s what it looks like in daylight!” I should probably clean something. Do stay-at-home moms still do that?
Jack is still at school and Andrew just left with his Youth Group to go on a retreat. Helping him pack (my first order of business as a stay-at-home mom) was totally different from how it would’ve been if I’d had to work today.
ANGELA WORKING
Flying up to the middle school 10 minutes before the bus is to leave.
ME: “Get in, Honey. We’re late!”
ANDREW: “But all my stuff’s at home. We forgot to pack it last night.”
ME: “We don’t have time to go home. You should’ve thought of that!!! What do you have with you right now?”
ANDREW: “My social studies book, a protractor, my bat bag, sliding shorts, cleats, a leftover Uncrustable from lunch and half a Gatorade.”
ME: “Perfect! Let’s roll.”
ANGELA AT HOME MOM
ME: “I’ve packed you enough canned goods to survive for six months after a nuclear holocaust. Things aren’t going well between us and North Korea these days. Oh, and here’s your freshly pressed tuxedo in case you guys attend a royal wedding. And don’t forget this indestructible auto-filtration water bottle with solar powered GPS, ya know…..in case you get lost in the dessert.
(Zipping his suitcase) Oh Gosh! I almost forgot your Undead Survival Tactical Walking Axe! What kind of mother am I?
ANDREW: “MOMMMMMM!!!!!!”
ME: “It could totally happen! Don’t act like you haven’t seen The Walking Dead! With that attitude, you’ll be the first to get eaten.”
It wasn’t until after I’d left dropped him off that I realized neither one of us remembered to pack him any underwear.
I guess I still need more practice at this whole staying at home thing. And with juggling. Now where are those eggs?
Angela Weight blogs over http://www.angelaweight.com and can also be found on Facebook.
4 Comments
Total hilarity.
Thanks so much, Maureen. I’m so glad you enjoyed the piece. It’s all true (in an exaggerated way).
Love this. I’ve been there. SAHM for over a decade and still have to reboot after summer! They’re always fine. Just be good enough!
Thanks so much, Jenny. I’m always glad to know other SAHM’s can relate to my insanity.