I was at a children’s party recently, looking on as the birthday girl ripped through her presents with the speed and general disinterest only a toddler can. She clawed her way to her final gift, a Jack-in-the-Box. As she started to wind it up, I slowly backed away and eventually founnd myself hiding under the coffee table.
This wasn’t my first rodeo.
Sure enough, a clown-like figurine popped out, sending the toddler into fits of tears. Everyone rushed to console her. As I unhinged my thumb from my mouth and rolled out of the fetal position, I couldn’t help but look on with disbelief.
WHAT IN THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? A spring-loaded clown just leapt out of a box with zero fucking warning. How are these even around anymore? These heart attack cartons should be outlawed along with the KKK and singing Happy Birthday in restaurants. And while we’re at it, here are some other toys that should be outlawed forever.
1. Sit-N-Spin
What parent doesn’t want one more excuse to clean up excrement when their child shits his pants and projectile vomits from spinning himself in circles, unable to loosen his grip from the tiny terror wheel for fear of launching himself clear across the room.
2. Kids “Dress Up” Heels
Alex, I’ll take “Trip to the Emergency Room” for $300. Also, your kid is 6, not a pole dancer.
3. EZ Bake Oven
I don’t know what is worse, childhood obesity or the likelihood that your little angel will get third degree burns from the lightbulb while trying to fish out a half-baked chocolate cake because she doesn’t have the patience or wherewithal to experience delayed gratification.
4.Chia Pets
You know what’s a bigger snooze fest than watching paint dry? Watching fake hair sprout from some creepy man’s cranium. My kid, like most, has the attention span of a hamster so I’m betting his interest in this lasts about as long as Debbie Gibson’s music career.
5. Moon Sand
The inventors of these herpes of the toy world should be sent to the electric chair. Covered in glitter.
6. Polly Pockets
Curse you Mattel and your toy makers’ ability to produce figurines so tiny I need bifocals to keep track of them. And when my child loses her shit because Polly lost her miniscule orange purse, I have to go all Christopher Columbus and spend half my Sunday searching under beds and appliances for it. Thanks for nothing.
7. Jarts
Not to be confused with Jorts (jeans shorts, which in my humble opinion, should also be outlawed), this lawn game contains arrow like missiles with metal tips. It’s basically death in a box. Unless you are bored, no one wants to spend their Saturday trying to explain to a doctor why your 10-year-old has a hole pierced in his scrotum.
8. Paddle Ball
Ah, the joy of trying to bounce a tethered plastic ball off a thin wooden paddle. I would like to meet the child that got more than 10 seconds of enjoyment out of this toy. Ever.
9. Legos
Everyone loves Legos. My children have gotten hours of enjoyment constructing spaceships and tow trucks. As a parent, I appreciated the break. But step on one of these squares of death and you will no longer count them on your list of must-have toys. Give a pep talk to your dog attempting to shit out Darth Vader’s light saber Lego? You will want to drive to the manufacturer’s house and shove a Lego Stackable Utensil Kit right up their anal cavity.
10. Talking Dolls of any kind
As if inanimate objects conversing isn’t creepy enough, I refuse to have one more small person in my house crying and asking to be fed. QUIT PRESSING HER BUTTONS KIDS, I’M HANGING ON BY A THREAD HERE.
Don’t even get me started on toy guitars and drum sets. A friend of mine has a rule that no one is allowed to buy her children toys that make noise of any kind. I used to feel sorry for her children. Until I had children of my own. Now I believe future generations will write about her brilliance.
1 Comment
Some toys should never see the light of day and should remain on the island of misfit toys where they belong. Breastfeeding Baby Doll and Jibba Jabber were some another worst toys for my kid.