Becoming an adult ruined a lot of things for me – parties aren’t as much fun; my boobs are not where they used to be; and I had to abandon the belief that eating an entire Totino’s Party Pizza constituted a balanced meal.
Some of these things I expected. Deep down I knew my metabolism would change and my boobs would make their inevitable glacier-like shift toward my navel.
But there was one thing I was unprepared for, something that seemed unfathomable at the age of 15 or even at 25.
No one warned me that I would wake up one day and find The Breakfast Club annoying.
I know, I know. It’s still hard for me to believe. It’s like this big secret no one is talking about. If you grew up in the 80s, it is assumed, nay expected, that you will forever worship at the altar of John Hughes. You can’t imagine a time when you won’t love Sixteen Candles or Pretty in Pink. These movies are legendary. They speak to a generation.
Unfortunately, we are no longer the generation they are speaking to.
I know this because whenever I watch The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off I find myself more irritated than amused. I start to think Principal Rooney has a point. And when you begin to side with the adults in these movies, you know you are in trouble.
Here’s a look at these iconic movies, and how I view them differently now that I am watching them through old-lady bifocals.
Pretty in Pink
In the 80s this film made girls all over America think it was cool to make their own prom dresses and wear felt hats trimmed with lace. It didn’t matter what part of town you were from, Molly Ringwald’s Andie was so cool, she made you want to be from the wrong side of the tracks.
And most of all, Andie made us all want to leave the prom with someone who looked like Blane, even if we came with a Duckie.
Now I have to wonder why the entire female population was ever rooting for Blane. If Blane were an actual appliance, he’d be a toaster – with one setting…barely toasted. He’s so dull I can’t think of a single thing he says or does in the movie other than that dumb trick with the computer.
What’s wrong with Duckie? He’s adorable, funny, fashionable, and clearly adores Andie. But she talks about him like he’s an STD, and all she needs is a stiff round of antibiotics to get rid of him.
I don’t know about you, but I’d take the guy who worships the ground I walk on over the guy who lied to me about having another date for the prom.
Blane probably dumped her before leaving for college anyway.
I know Andie didn’t have a mother, so if I could offer her one piece of advice it would be, “Always pick the Duckie.” Because I am older and wiser and clearly understand the value of being with someone who asks if he can admire me on a daily basis.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Ferris Bueller is every kid’s wet dream. He fucks with the principal. He treats his parents like they’re idiots. He gets on top of a friggin’ parade float in the middle of downtown Chicago while he’s skipping school and reaps no consequences.
To teenagers everywhere, he is a hero. To parents, he is a sociopath.
He’s a manipulative, selfish jerk. And a thief to boot. He steals his friend’s possibly abusive father’s car without remorse and then acts like he’s doing his friend a favor when he wrecks it. And let’s not forget about the cavalier way he steals the Sausage King of Chicago’s lunch reservation.
Why does he need a day off, anyway? He’s been absent nine times. Nine times? Nine times. Oh, I’m sorry, make that two because he’s also a computer hacker! I have no doubt that Ferris would steal your credit card information without batting an eye if it meant he could rent a private jet and fly around Chicago pissing on people from the cockpit.
My husband has a theory that Ferris is a burgeoning criminal who grew up to work on Wall Street and got involved in insider trading but got away with it because of lax government regulations. Basically adult Ferris would be a character in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
Breakfast Club
This movie is the big one – the movie all of us Gen Xers hold near and dear to our hearts.
The Breakfast Club is a garganutan Caboodle filled with teen angst and about as subtle as the Exclamation! cologne I used to bathe myself in every day before school. It conveniently takes all the sectors of the high school population (except the minorities, of course) and puts them in detention for a day so they can all learn to understand each other just a little bit better.
It’s so iconic it makes you want to have kids one day if only to sit down and watch this movie with them. But here’s the problem. You grow up and realize your kids don’t want to watch this movie with you. Because you are the enemy. Just like the parents in the movie.
“God, are we going to be like our parents?” Andy, the wrestler, asks.
“It’s unavoidable,” Allison, the basket case, says. “When you grow up your heart dies.”
The 40-year-old you rolls your eyes. But the 15-year-old version of yourself totally got that statement. Because that version of you hated your parents. And watching this movie with your teenager drives home the point that they will hate you at some point in their life if they don’t already.
The kids in this movie are fighting against the establishment, and now we are the establishment. We know someone has to make the rules and enforce them, or there would be anarchy. Which forces us into the role of the fascist jerk.
I now have to walk through life with a symbolic toilet seat cover hanging out the back of my pants because I am a fascist jerk. And I don’t like it.
And Claire is right. None of them will talk to each other on Monday.
I know this because, in the simplest terms possible…I am an adult.
Jean is a wife, mother, graphic designer and blogger whose tastes in pop culture have been locked in a bunker since 1998. You can read more of her work at Mixtapes and Cupcakes.
4 Comments
Love live Long Duck Dong! Thank you for writing this. I now know that re-visiting these films would be a mistake.
Thanks, Shannon! And, yes, don’t go back unless you want to feel 1,000 years old.
Wow! You really sock it to ’em! Isn’t life amazing…you become your mother and never really saw it coming and wonder how and when the change occurred. I wonder what women without children think of those classics. Having kid can really bring one down to earth.
You are so right. When we begin to see the whole thing from the adult’s p.o.v. it’s over. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.