When did people start referring to their toddlers as “Threenagers?”
Let me tell you something; when you have an actual teenager or two, that ceases to be amusing in the slightest. All that garbage about your three-year-old being “just like a teenager?” Your tiny tot may be a mini-tyrant, but I assure you that in 10 years you will realize how very, very wrong you were.
Those of us who spend our days and nights with our teenaged spawn are generally a parade of voices, marching through the streets of parenthood, one after the other, chanting “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS COMING FOR YOU!” (I have been known to anoint myself Grand Marshal of this parade.)
However, in a moment of generosity and with a sincere desire to not throw you into the Pit of Despair before it becomes absolutely necessary, I decided that if I put my mind to it, and had several drinks, I could probably come up with a few ways that having a teenager was actually an improvement over having a threenager. So without further ado, here is everything I could possibly come up with, from the profound to the mundane.
1. You no longer have to use those stupid race car grocery carts that refuse to turn a corner without ramming into several people, all of who appear, by the nasty looks on their faces, to be childless. For that matter, you don’t even need to take them to the grocery store with you at all. They can sit at home alone, which brings me to #2.
2. You don’t need babysitters. This is an awesome development and one that most parents try to launch into earlier and earlier. Go out to dinner. Catch a movie afterwards. Use your extra money on drinks to congratulate yourself for getting this far, you deserve it.
3. No more kiddie music or TV shows. Yes. Just YES. No more Bubble Guppies or whatever the hell they are showing these days. No more worrying about what words that song on your favorite station may have in it. Play your 80’s headbanger rock or your 90’s grunge to your heart’s content, they aren’t listening anyway.
4. There is none of the clutter that accompanies little people. No dolls and trucks all over the floor. No need for a playroom full of God knows what. None of those horrifically cheap and yet treasured beyond belief abominations known as Happy Meal toys everywhere you look. No more LEGOS to step on. No. More. LEGOS. Everything they want fits into a tiny little 3×5-ish device. It’s expensive, but it is worth it.
5. They can feed themselves, dress themselves, and do their own laundry. The dubious nature of their choices doesn’t change, but at least you don’t have to participate.
6. They can drive themselves. Of course it’s nerve racking at first, but when you no longer have to drive carpool, to practice, to friend’s houses, etc. you will learn to live with it. When you start sending them on errands to the grocery store for that last ingredient for dinner and to take their little sister to a birthday party, you will embrace it like the last bottle of wine on a stranded cruise ship.
7. Birthdays. Just pause here for a moment and relax into the idea that the day will come when you no longer need a theme, Pinterest-worthy decorations, 35 handmade invitations because you had to invite the whole class, bounce houses, petting zoos, pony rides, a monstrosity to rival Princess Diana’s wedding cake, and goodie bags. The freakin’ goodie bags.
8. They don’t throw temper tantrums. Don’t get me wrong, they get mad. But they generally decide the best way to handle it is to give you the silent treatment. So they roll their eyes and slam a door. Whatever. The best part of this is that the silent treatment is silent!
9. I saved the best for last. Hygiene. They may smell, but everyone in my home is responsible for their own hygiene. They bathe themselves, they brush their own teeth, they deodorize, and they wipe their own butts. This is how I know Jesus loves me.
One thing though, and it is a profound difference between the toddler set and those same children when they hit their teens. They get better at lying – a lot better.
Melissa Coble is a mom living in Phoenix, Arizona just trying to survive the teenage years with a lot of laughs, an occasional rant, and copious amounts of wine. You can find her counting the days until her nest is empty at An Unfit Parent and endlessly Facebooking.
