A List of More Accurate Relationship Statuses for the Suburbs

Forget “married,” “in a relationship,” and “it’s complicated” – here is a list of slightly more accurate relationship statuses for those in the suburbs:

•  Staying married until my youngest child graduates from high school.
• Staying married until we have enough equity in the house to make selling worth it.
• Just bought a second home with both of us on the title, so probably staying married for a while.
• Irreconcilably different.
• Married with no recent drama.
• Married, but without the sexual benefits (tandem nursing an infant and toddler round-the-clock).
• Married, but exchanging suggestive texts with the cute single parent from the PTA.
• Shunned from the PTA for being the only single parent who is surely plotting to steal someone’s spouse.
• Recently filed for divorce. For the second time. From the same person.
• Married, but honestly, my relationships with my “mommy friends” give me so much more to live for.
• Married and finally hitting my sexual peak.
• Divorced and trying to stick to the judge’s co-parenting plan despite my ex’s constant attempts to find me in contempt.
• Divorced and counting the months until these alimony payments finally end.
• In a relationship after divorce (or: precariously balancing life with two crazy people instead of just one).
• Divorced, dating, and dammit, I need to be able to navigate technology just to get a date.