I carry a claw hammer in my car. Everyone thinks it’s funny. Like, why would any sane human have mints, Kleenex, Dramamine—and a mini cudgel—in their glove compartment?…
Dear Mom— You know me better than anyone. You know I don’t understand the combination of sandals and unclipped toenails. You know mayonnaise makes me sad. So, of…
When I was 24, I broke up with a man-boy because his lifestyle of vanilla piousness was at odds with my lifestyle of blackout drinking and recreational shoplifting.…
I have to tell you that my early years were great. I had a lot of fun—cruising on my banana-seat chopper from one Kick the Can game to another, trolling forests with the neighborhood gang, being president of a shoplifting club. (Sorry, reader, but the adrenaline rush of pocketing a Hello Kitty eraser is a
I am no stranger to disgusting things. When I was 8, my brother slammed his foot in the front door, and his big toe was left with a mangled and eventually blackened toenail. Within a week it fell off, and he unceremoniously tossed that sucker into my Barbie Dream Camper, right next to Ken and