Today I watched my friend’s two small children so she could take a shower. After her shower, her littlest one (eight months old) was ready for a feeding and a nap. Without a second thought my friend sat down, whipped out her breast, and began feeding. My youngest son happened to be with me and when she did this he rushed for the door exclaiming he didn’t want to be there anymore. I inquired as to why and he replied with “boys aren’t supposed to see girls’ boobs” then stomped outside slamming her door shut.
I apologized profusely for his words and actions. His reaction embarrassed me. After some time to think about the incident though, I’m not embarrassed. He reacted the way I had taught him to. I have taught him to shield his eyes from the commercials of women parading in their underwear. I have taught him to plug his ears and ignore the sex scenes so often played out on television. It got me thinking a lot about how things are changing in the world.
My boys are taught to respect women and give them privacy. Breastfeeding, in general, is exposing a part of the body we were taught not to show off. Now, the rules of exposure are changing rapidly and it’s hard to explain to little boys why when feeding a baby it’s OK to expose the secrets of our bodies. It’s hard to teach them what privacy is when the term means something completely different now than it did when I was a child.
There are so many debates and arguments going on online about breastfeeding in public. People argue about why it should and should not be OK to just whip out a breast. People argue about covering and not covering.
What people are NOT talking about is the effect it’s having on children.
I personally did not breastfeed due to complications. It doesn’t mean I don’t understand why feeding a baby whenever and wherever is a basic human right. It doesn’t mean I want people to cover up or hide what they are doing. What it does mean, is my children were not exposed to breasts as a form of nutrition. They have not seen women breastfeeding at stores or walking down the street. They aren’t sure what to do when forced into a situation where someone just starts feeding their baby.
So many people have an opinion about what to do in these situations it’s hard to know what is right and what is wrong. Do I simply start exposing my children to breasts? I can explain a hundred different ways why a woman is doing what comes naturally for them, but for the last ten years they were taught a different way. I get scowls when my boys’ faces turn red and they try to run away from the awkward situation.
It really is awkward for them. It’s uncomfortable and something new. The same goes for them walking into a bathroom reading “Men” and a woman is in there doing her business because she is a man on the inside. They panic and don’t know what to do.
The public hasn’t given children the opportunity to adjust. They just expect because laws and rules are changing that everyone will be OK with these decisions. There aren’t meetings in classrooms explaining why “girls” are allowed in the boys’ bathroom or why “boys” are allowed in girls’ bathrooms. Because the laws have changed it just is, no explanation, no time to adjust.
I know as a parent it’s my responsibility to inform my children of what is happening with these situations but no matter how many times I do explain it, until they are in a situation where it is happening, they don’t really get it. Then after something has happened, I explain it again and hopefully it clicks in their little minds. We have to remember children aren’t thinking of the future. They aren’t thinking ‘OK, there might be a girl/boy in this men’s/women’s bathroom. They aren’t thinking ‘OK, there might be a woman getting ready to feed her child around the next corner.’
If you see a child while you are breastfeeding and they are shocked or embarrassed, please don’t give their parents dirty looks. Remember all of this is new to them. If you are in a bathroom and a child walks in and panics because you are using the “wrong” bathroom, don’t yell at them and blame society. These children simply don’t quite understand yet. It’s not people being intolerant of you or what you are doing, its children being unsure and not knowing how they should handle the situation they are suddenly forced into.
Allow the future generations already accustomed to a different set of rules time to get to know these new social rules. Allow parents time to adjust their children. Don’t automatically assume a parent isn’t teaching their child about these new things, they may not have experienced what they are walking into before.
Natalia Bowser is a married domestic engineer and a mother of two boys. She continually seeks to find the balance of her daily life as a mother and a wife. Her writing emerged as a teenager from a broken home, and since morphed from poetry to her deepest inner thoughts. She is an aspiring writer and owner of The Queen’s Soapbox Confessions on Facebook. She shares her thoughts in hopes of helping other parents and inspiring others to become writers. You can also find her on Twitter.
4 Comments
“Allow the future generations already accustomed to a different set of rules time to get to know these new social rules.”
I have never until now felt the need to leave a negative comment on a blog post so I’m going to try not to behave like a troll. BUT…that single sentence just set my hair on fire! The rules have never changed, breasts have always been, and always will be the primary mode of transportation for food between mother and child, FOR ALL MAMMALS. In my opinion you should be ashamed of yourself for sexualizing breasts to your children. The first thing a child should be taught is the functions of the body. Did you teach your child about masturbation when you were teaching him the name of his penis? I thought not. For him, the penis is for peeing. The other function of it will be taught to him when the time is appropriate. When you were teaching him the names of body parts, the first thing to be taught about a woman’s breasts is that they provide milk for their baby. You ma’am, have failed as a mother and that is not your friend’s fault.
Although I agree with much of what you have said… The last sentence was a bit too far. She hasn’t failed as a mother!!! Teaching your kids what you value isn’t failure
Yes, my hair is smouldering, too. I feel that Shawna put it all REALLY well. Thanks, Shawna. (All due respect to everyone’s opinions, as I also want to avoid troll-like behaviour.)
Your comments have given me much food for thought on a perspective I hadn’t considered. I am a breast feeding mother and have no issue feeding in public… But I am also very modest about it and choose my public places carefully. I don’t think it’s appropriate to feed in the shopping centre where my 14yo students hang out.
I also didn’t realise that breast feeding protocol or law had changed. I have never really noticed women feeding and still don’t. I’ve always believed it happened though.
I love that you are trying to maintain an age appropriate experience for your boys. But I also feel that you may have bordered into encouraging your boys to fear natural, human bodies. I’m trying to work out where the line between these are and how to teach my daughter. I want her to be strong and understand her body. I want her to be cautious and respectful of others but I don’t want her to fear her sexuality either.