The very first second I was introduced to reality t.v. I knew it was a love affair that was going to start with a quicky shot gun marriage and end at my 95th birthday when my husband died from choking on scrabble pieces that he thought were shreddies.
The first big love for me was The Real World – Seattle. I could go on and on and on and on about this show. I even made my husband take me to the Seattle Pier so I could see where they lived. Sad, true fact. Even sadder, I took a photo of him in front of their old Real World house and not one of me. I was worried he wouldn’t take the photo correctly.
My next true love was Survivor.
I was so into Survivor that my girlfriends threw me a Survivor viewing party as a going away present when I moved across the county to go to college. I still keep up the tradition of Survivor viewing parties. I have even moved the date of my husband’s actual birthday party because it fell on the date of the Survivor finale.
And then there was The Hills. I breastfed my oldest through daytime marathon episodes of The Hills. I love that show. Don’t you ever trash talk about it around me or I will cut you.
Are you ready to hear a bunch of shit?
Here goes…
When I have a moment to myself and turn on the t.v., if any of these shows are on, I have to watch them. I never actually plan to though, because for the most part they are shit.
This is the British Version of Jersey Shore. But, its better than Jersey Shore because I don’t have a fucking clue what theses people are saying. They say things like “fuck hut,” “wanker” and “pulling a bird.” They are probably the most disgusting people on t.v. and I cannot get enough of them. And apparently neither can England. These idiots are everywhere. And I love them.
Okay, pay attention. You sit on your couch at home and you watch people on their couches at home watching t.v. shows. It’s bloody genius and I fucking love it. Like, LOVE IT. There is an American version, but I am hooked on the Canadian version. The cast is made up of couples, friends and families. The chemistry is sick. (Sidenote: The good kind of sick. I heard a kid at the play ground say that once.) My most favourite line came while watching someone who was watching America’s Next Top Model. The coucher says, ” She looks like a stripper who just did the ice bucket challenge,” to which her friend, a fellow coucher adds, “And didn’t pay.” It’s pure genius and now I feel shitty for calling it a shitty reality show. Sorry couchers. I love you. Please keep tweeting me. You complete me.
Fuck me, Canadian security guards sound stupid. If you are American, you have to watch this and have a damn drink every time one of them sounds like a hoser. This show always gets me hooked due to suspense, and pretty much every time it’s a bloody let down. Those tricky little Border Security guards hook me in with their stupid music and commercial teases. Dicks. They hardly get anything good. Usually they just bug the shit out of travellers and then take them in a back room somewhere where they force feed them ex-lax so their poop can be checked for chihuahuas.
Don’t watch this. I mean it. Don’t watch it. I don’t even know why I watch it. It makes no fucking sense. I don’t understand them. There is hardly any decent drama. People cry for the stupidest fucking reasons. It’s terrible. I honest to God only watch it because I am hoping to fucking hell that it’s going to get better. Don’t watch it. Don’t.
5. Hotel Hell
Have you ever stayed at a gross hotel? The answer is No. No one stays at a gross hotel unless a reality t.v. show is taping and you want your 15 minutes (35 seconds) of fame. Hotel Hell is the same thing over and over and over and over. I am getting so sick of it. Idiot runs hotel into the ground. Gordon hates the food. Old ladies swoon over Gordon. Hotel gets made over. Yay! Gordon Ramsay saves the day! Same shit every time. But, I do like that he swears at people every episode and if he doesn’t say “bloody hell,” I feel cheated.
Okay. I am exhausted. I am going to lie down and see if The Biggest Loser, The Voice, Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Keeping up with the Kardashians, or Master Chef are on.
16 Comments
hahaha! I can’t decide what is funnier–the post or the ‘About Kyla Cornish’ bio. Rich Kids of Beverly Hills is really awful. I probably would have continued watching but my better judgement came in handy and got the best of me. I knew it was only a matter of time before I threw the cable box remote control (what I use to watch reality TV), the Netflix/Wii remote control (what I use to watch re-runs of reality TV), or the actual T.V. remote control (what I use to turn on the TV…. to watch reality TV) at the television. I figured that TV’s are expensive so I had to give up on Rich Assholes, er, I mean KIDS. RICH KIDS.
Glad I am not alone. We have to stop watching that. Deal? Let’s make a pact! p.s love that you love my bio. Its about as long as the bloody post. I really really like myself.
Deal! I only enjoy reading posts from people who ‘really really like themselves’ so that works out mutually beneficial for the two of us. ha. You had me at chicken wings. Well, and the mention of Canada.
Kyla, I knew we were soul sisters! I am a reality TV addict too.
I have been suckered into all but the People’s Couch (sounds amazing!) and Gordie Shore (I know what all those words mean from living down under). Add those to my much watch list for sure!
“so their poop can be checked for chihuahuas” – stellar!
Thanks lady. p.s meeting you and my girl Iva was a highlight of Blissdom. People’s Couch is unreal. YOU NEED TO BE ON IT. It’s taped in TO. GET ON THAT DAMN SHOW!!!! AUDITION!!!
HOLY CRAP! Yes!!
Holy balls, this brings me back! I started watching The Real World during the very first season and it’s been down hill ever since. By the way, Jersey Belle is not to be missed if you haven’t seen it. Just warms my bitter East Coast soul. And … wait for it … Wicked Tuna. Have you heard of it? It’s a show about hairy men fishing for blue-fin tuna on the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Seriously! That’s all it’s about. Doesn’t exactly sound edge-of-the-seat but God help me I just can’t turn it off.
VICKI. YOU HAVE A SURVIVOR WEBSITE?! LINK LINK LINK!
I wish I still had it! I can’t even find it in the Wayback Machine because I forget the URL. It was on one of those free hosting things popular 14 years ago (OMG, I’m old enough to have had a website 14 years ago?) and was called Absolute Survivor World (because it was back when being listed in directories was how people find things). Man, it was the best. *sniff*
Yo Jill. Wanna come over?
My life changed forever the day I first watched Survivor. I created a website about it and worshipped the ground the show walked on. You are not alone.
VICKI. YOU HAVE A SURVIVOR WEBSITE?! LINK LINK LINK!
I LOVED Real World Seattle. Loved it! I am not as much of a reality TV junky as I used to be but I do love Hotel Hell and Border Security. I swear one of the border guards was the guy we talked to last time we went through customs in Vancouver.
But the real question is, do you watch Honey Boo Boo?
I don’t get that channel and I am not dedicated enough to download it.
I’ve watched The People’s Couch, though I tried like hell to avoid it. I wouldn’t exactly call it genius, I’d call it lazy TV. But whatever, it’s addicting and I mean, what took them so long? Put people on a couch watching TV so we can sit on our couches watching TV. It’s the Land o’ Lakes butter package of television. You’re not from the US, so Google that and you’ll see what I mean. 😉