We are all so concerned about the effects of social media on our children. There are articles that go into detail about the pain and trauma it causes to young teens and their self-esteem and contribution to depression. But what about how it impacts adults? Over the past few years, I have gone through what has been the most difficult time in my life. Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life has changed. My husband left. My children have grown and left. Many of my friends have left. I moved. I got a job. I have lost people close to me.
I have attempted to rebuild my life. Figure out who I am. I have struggled. Never wanted to be the person who complained too much. Never wanted people to think I was weak or a failure. But the truth is, I was breaking apart. Angry and resentful that I am alone while he quickly found himself another relationship that is already heading to marriage. Sad and lonely because my kids have become amazing independent young men that don’t need their mom anymore and friends that quickly moved forward with their lives without me.
I had to move from the home I loved and dreamed of having grandchildren visit and growing old in. I have had to be realistic that I may spend the rest of my life alone because finding men that value what’s inside rather than the package it’s in, is extremely difficult. I have had to cope with the loss of my freedom, no longer able to come and go as I please, because I must work full time for the first time in 20 years in order to have healthcare I can afford.
When I have downtime, I make the fatal mistake of looking at Instagram and Facebook. Logically I know that people only put the happy things online. Paint the perfect happy picture. I know there are photos of my ex traveling and proposing, quickly rebuilding his life. I see photos of my friend’s children in schools closer to home, so they see their parents more often. I see amazing friend groups with huge smiles being loving and supportive or having adventures and fun.
I see all of this and wonder what I did wrong. Maybe my perception of myself is way off base, I have always thought I was a loving friend, mother, and wife that went above and beyond for the people I loved and yet I don’t feel it is reciprocated. On social media, I see groups of women that I grew up with that are all still such great friends. I was always on the outside of that group. I am envious of their love for each other. Even closer to home. Groups of people that have regular get-togethers and events to help those that are close to them feel supported, but it never seems to include me.
But is this reality? Are these same people scrolling through social media wondering why they weren’t included in things or why they don’t seem as happy or fit or as together as other friends? This destructive behavior or either trying to validate our lives with our own posts or feeling horrible about our lives from other’s posts. It’s no wonder that depression is on the rise.
At one time I thought I would try an experiment. I would not text, call, or reach out to my friends and see who actually made an effort to be part of my life. That is not something that someone who is depressed should ever try. The silence is deafening. The harsh reality of how alone I really am can be overwhelming sometimes. I don’t want to be inundated with clichés. I know it could be worse. I know that I am luckier than others. I know that if people don’t reach out “they were never really my friends”.
Blah, blah, blah. It still hurts.
I am working on fixing what I can. Mourning the loss of the things I can’t get back. Building new friendships and relationships and prioritizing those who do the same for me. Figuring out what I should be spending my energy on that fuels what I need or want. Learning that it’s okay to put myself first. Spending less time on social media. It is a tough transition at this part of my life. I am not sure I am strong enough to do what I must, but I am going to try my best.
This author has chosen to publish anonymously
