Dear Internet: Enough Vagina Talk Already!

Thanks to the magic of the internets, vaginas are everywhere.  I mean… yeah… vaginas have always been everywhere because… well, because: duh. But seriously, people. I can’t open Facebook or Twitter without seeing a reference to a vajayjay, a hoo-hah or a lady garden. There are just soooo many euphemisms for vagina, right? I could go on all day, but you get the idea.

Cooter. Love muffin. Kitty. Woo woo.

Okay, I’m done. I promise.    

Dear Internet: enough vagina talk already!  

It used to be enough to overshare about our menses and try to one-up each other on whose cramps were the most painful, yadda yadda yadda. We were once content to commiserate about how squeezing out a nine pound baby watermelon turns our vaginas into hamburger meat… I mean, of course it does.  

But now, thanks to the bells and whistles of social media, we get more and more vagina talk. Is that a good thing? I say it isn’t.  

Dear Internets, you’ve gone vagina cray cray crazy. I say enough is enough. 

It started with Gwynnie’s public homage to vagina steaming. Now. I hate that not-so-fresh feeling just as much as the next girl, but good old fashioned soap and water have been working for me for forty-some odd years, thankyouverymuch. Just because some celeb with more money than sense proclaims steam-cleaning her girl parts is the coolest thing ever, do the rest of us peasants really need to read about it?  

As if vagina steaming weren’t weird enough, Dear Internets, you now have to educate me about the wonders vagina yogurt. My sincere apologies to anyone reading this that hasn’t yet learned that you can use your vag as a yogurt incubator, because I know it’s kind of icky when you first read about it. Okay… it’s always gonna be kind of icky.  I don’t care how many times I read about coochie yogurt… it just never fails to gross me out. 

I know my favorite creamy banana-berry breakfast treat contains active cultures (which doesn’t sound all that appetizing) but I like yogurt, so I try to ignore that. Thinking about the possibility that someone is slurping down active vagina cultures with their morning granola? Just no.  

If vagina steaming and vagina yogurt aren’t weird enough, Dear Internets, you have to overload me with info on how I can make my nether regions more easy on the eyes. Everyone wants a pretty vagina, but I’m not talking about pruning the bushes or even something more daring like a Brazilian. I’m taking about taking vagina maintenance and beautification to the next level: surgical rejuvenation, Botox to reduce the appearance of your vaginal laugh lines (what?!?) and vaginal bleaching. Because heaven knows, that thing needs a good shot of Clorox, right? Why do I need to know this stuff, Internets? Just why?  

I can’t open my browser without reading about vaginas. The good, the bad, the itchy, the smelly and the noisy. I can appreciate that our female parts are less of a taboo subject than they were ten years ago, but maybe the pendulum has swung too far the other direction?  

Maybe we need to bring a little bit of mystery back into Vagina-land. It’s 2015, and we have  vagina options, ladies. We can steam clean it or give ourselves a “do down there.” A fauxhawk might be kinda fun… 

But do we have to write down and hit publish, post or tweet on every single dirty detail?

I say enough with the vagina talk, already, Internets. We’re tired of reading about the vagina.