I’m decidedly not one to freak out about all this virus-pandemic-end-of-the-world-disease discussion, but I must admit that on one sleepless night this week, as I tossed and turned in the darkness, wiping away some perimenopause-induced sweat from between my re-perky breasts, I may have reached a state marginally close to terror. NOT a good look.
So, I did what any self-respecting suburban Mama would do and put on a fresh pair of Lulu leggings bright and early the next morning and set about making a cute To-Do list while sipping on my Caramel Biscotti Nespresso. Love this new flavor, btw! Making a note to order more.
First up, I consulted Instagram hashtags so that I’d be up to date on what the influencer doomsday preppers are currently recommending. And oh, my f*ck, I discovered I am late to the game, ladies! It was time to get my shit-that-don’t-stink together, cancel my afternoon tennis match and massage, and get busy.
So apparently, I realized we need a little stockpile of canned goods. I jumped on the Whole Foods delivery site and should have about 20 cases of organic, non-GMO veggies and gluten-free ancient grains arriving tomorrow. I threw in 30 cases of Swiss glacier water and 45 pounds of grass-fed petit filets. And loads of organic snacks and macadamia nut milk for the kids, and of course, refills of all my essential oils and goat’s milk lotions. Oh, and a dozen bottles of elderberry syrup and a year’s supply of beeswax Eucalyptus candles, should anyone start to feel their immunity getting a smidge weaker. Quick add – ultra-soft tissues and latex-free gloves. Yes, I paid for express delivery! #duh
Next, I saw an abundance of survival vests. Really, preppers? OK, but I’m simply not having something that is varying shades of camo green and loaded down with lots of ugly pockets, straps and plastic clips. How is that flattering? Made note to do an online search ASAP for Tory Burch or Kate Spade vests with plenty of extra pockets. I’m sure I’ll find something darling. And will get a few matching scarves and hats, of course. #shoppingspree
But weapons?! Do I really need a pair of assault rifles in my life to deal with a virus? #nope Guns kill people and END.OF.THAT.STORY. Hopped on Amazon to order a box of pepper spray and a few tasers. Done.
Remote cabins in the woods also seem to be popular with these fun influencers, so I’ve contacted a real estate agent outside of Great Falls, Montana and let him know my wish list minimums: 4 bedrooms, 4 baths, chef’s kitchen, and large deck with 6-person hot tub, in case we have guests. He said he’d get back to me as soon as possible. I’m afraid we may have to sell our timeshare in Mexico though, which will really be a bummer, but a change of scenery could be good for all of us. The kids are sick and tired of the sand and I’ve heard that forest bathing is all the rage these days. Yay! I’ll need new boots and hiking poles. #ecotherapy
And, I learned I’m way behind the 8 ball because I didn’t have a tactical-grade triage/first aid kit. With just a few DMs to Mark, my new prepper BFF, and my Visa card, I’ll soon be the proud owner of an automated external defibrillator, a bleeding control station, and enough bandages to mummify a small town. Squee – I’m so excited! Mark also said we could FaceTime so he can teach me how to apply tourniquets and properly seal a sucking chest wound. He said he could tell I’m not a “whiskey and duct tape” kind of gal. I assured him I have plenty of prosecco and washi tape for journaling and crafts, should things get serious! And I kindly offered to teach him my latest charcuterie board styling secrets.
I’m also hyped to learn a ton of cool stuff about natural remedies for diarrhea (ordered my psyllium and carob seeds to start my own raised bed garden) and how to tie some really amazing knots – Alpine Butterfly is already my favorite, just from looking at some pics while I was on hold with the chainsaw supply store. #obsessed When the kids are finished with their latest Tik Tok dance, I’m sitting them down for some fire-starting lessons!
I think doomsday prepping is the fun project I didn’t know I needed this spring, and it will hopefully jumpstart me losing those last few pounds before our Caribbean cruise this summer. I know I can squeeze in some knife-throwing practice sessions in between my weekly hot yoga, Pilates and HIIT cardio classes. #bikinibod
So, just try to come for us, you dumbshit little virus. My prepper game is strong and my wine fridge is full.