Every Single Thought Every Woman Has About Wearing Tights: A Poem

Oh, man.

I thought I did laundry.

I have to wear tights.

Don’t twist the leg.

Do NOT twist the leg.

Is the leg twisted?

@#$%

***

This isn’t so bad.

Cozy actually.

My legs look AMAZING.

I should always wear tights.

***

Whoa! Chilly!

Do I really have to pee?

Or do I just think I have to pee?

I better pee

just to be safe.

***

WTF?

Static cling!

Hairspray?

Wet paper towel?

Hand lotion?

Those can’t be right.

I hope they all know

I’m only rubbing my butt

to make sure my skirt is still there.

I’m pulling these tights up

quick so no one notices.

In 3, 2, 1. Go!

He totally saw that.

When did I become

someone who walks around

yanking on her tights?

***

Probably shouldn’t have eaten lunch.

Possibly a major mistake.

CODE RED!

***

Magicians

Buzz saws

Tights

Things that CUT YOU.

***

How can I possibly

be this much fatter

than I was this morning?

Evil.

Pure Evil.

***

Must

rip

off

tights.

I’ll take them off in the car.

No, bad idea.

I think I can feel my spleen.

Pretty sure.

***

When I get home

I’m throwing out

every

single

pair

of

tights.

I hate you, tights.

***

MADE IT

MADE IT

MADE IT

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That wasn’t so bad.

My legs look AMAZING.

I should always wear tights.