It was a warm summer day, we were standing in the kitchen looking at a book, a newspaper, a magazine… Something. What it was escapes me now, over 15 years later, but I can recall nearly every other god damn detail from that moment. I can still feel the warmth of the sun, on my back, shining in from our huge North facing kitchen windows, and the feeling of his hand groping my ass with an intensity that made me feel he felt entitled to it.
I was around 13, and he was 21. I was young, and terrified. Not knowing what to do I just stood there, frozen in fear and let it happen until someone came into the kitchen and I made my escape.
He was my cousin.
I never spoke a word of that day. I also never told anybody of all the other times that followed. I was silent out of fear and embarrassment until I learned, as an adult, that two of my other female cousins had similar experiences with this pathetic excuse for a man.
I’ve always firmly buried my feelings and emotions thanks to years of growing up in a non-communicative, abusive, alcoholic family. Every single one of those emotions that I suppressed as a youth came rushing back ten-fold when his face popped up in my Facebook news feed. There it was, without warning, I saw his face in a news piece, shared by Global BC with the caption “Surrey RCMP seek more victims of alleged child sex offender.” All of those emotions plus fear, regret, anger, upset… But this time those emotions were not channelled at him, but at myself. If only I had told someone, perhaps his other victims–the ones after me–could have been spared his disgusting groping.
While I may no longer be that terrified 13 year old, a part of her still lives as this vigilant and sometimes frightened 30 year old, mother. My two precious babies are just as innocent as I once was. I have to protect them, and work on me. I have to forgive myself because I was so scared, and paralysed.
I may not have the ability to change the past, but you can sure as hell bet that I will let it influence my present, and my future. I will strive to create a safe and trusting environment for my family, complete with open lines of communication and unconditional love. I will listen, I will share, and I will do my best to ensure that my kids will never feel the shame or embarrassment in opening up to me as I did as a child.
No one should have to suffer in silence.