Help! I’ve been sucked into the online marketing vortex, and I can’t get out!
I will admit, I am a social media junkie. You’d imagine that has aided in my development of above par social skills, but it’s quite the contrary. I’ve actually become addicted to shopping and stalking people on Twitter. Both of these activities have gotten out of control. I’ve looked at… Justin Bieber’s Twitter. There, I said it. To take my debauchery even further, I’ve even followed the MTV Teen Mom’s Twitter accounts. Oh, and yes, I watch the show too.
Feel free to stop reading. I would.
Still here? Good. So I’ve noticed as of late that Twitter has incorporated my other favorite online friend into my ‘feed’: Amazon.
Although I have no inkling as to what the fuck I’m doing when I’m actually on Twitter, I do see a bunch of shiny things that pop up and grab my easy-to-capture attention. I have an incessant need to check out anything that mentions “Deal of the Day,” “Sale,” “Clearance,” etc. My finger clicks that button like a child in the Empire State Building’s elevator. I can’t help myself. I know I have a problem. I just can’t stop.
As I was scrolling Twitter today in search of a new person to stalk, an Amazon ad popped up for a piece of workout equipment to “tone up your core.” Naturally, seeing the mention “deal of the day,” I immediately clicked over because…well, I’m just sick in the head.
I have been to the gym approximately once in the past decade. I sat at the juice bar and questioned the juicing barista whether or not peanut butter was a substitute over some powdered-protein-shit for my “workout smoothie.” I then proceeded to the hot tub to soak my sore muscles from all that juice-bar chatter.
So, clearly, I really needed that “tone up your core” workout equipment. It would have been foolish to not purchase it.
I do this shit non-stop. The Twitter/Amazon beast got me again last week with a deal entirely too good to pass up: a “deal of the of the day” for an emergency phone charger to keep with you at all times. Again, I had to take advantage of that opportunity. I just had to. You know, just in case I find myself stuck in the wilderness and in immediate need of cell phone battery life.
Similar to the gym, I haven’t been camping in more than a decade, and furthermore, I’ve not been away from a charging port to fuel my addictions in, well, ever. When purchasing my vehicle, I made sure it had a charging outlet inside the trunk… just in case. “Oh, power steering? Awesome, but where is the charging port?”
I thought Google was my best friend, but I’ve realized lately, per my bank statement, that Amazon is my best friend. Twitter is my enabler, and Amazon is my drug–I mean my best friend. He and I are so tight that he sends me about 12 e-mails a day. It’s similar to receiving 12 love letters a day. Not even my husband does that. In fact, I might be leaving my husband for Amazon. Amazon sells inflatable men.
I’ve checked.
To take things up a notch, hopefully the final notch, I’ve signed my husband up for the Amazon credit card. Yes, I have one too, but you see, you only receive a discount when you sign up for a new credit card. It was only logical that we both have Amazon credit cards. I saved 30% on… I can’t remember what. My husband could probably tell you, though. I’m in search of people who’d like me to open up an Amazon credit card in their name so I can save 30% on this gangster coloring book I’ve had my eye on. I promise to pay the bill. Maybe.
I need to adjust my damn sail. I’m going to end up sitting in a home filled to the brim with Amazon Prime boxes, workout equipment, and books I’ll never read… but hey, I’ll have my emergency phone charger to call for help.
If Amazon had Amazon rehab, I’d totally Amazon Prime that.