It was a cold rushed morning. As usual it began at 5am, well for Luke that is. Every morning at 5am he gets up quietly, closes our bedroom door and keeps the kids quiet until around 6:20am when he sweetly brings me a hot cup of coffee, kisses me on the forehead and says “It’s time to wake up, honey”. This routine began wh21en both our children were very young. I would do the night shift and he would always get up early and allow me an extra hours sleep. As they’ve gotten older and are not waking through the night as often, this deal probably doesn’t seem fair. But, he hasn’t mentioned anything and well, I’m not prepared to bring it up. Who doesn’t love a sleep in?
You see, my Husband has always been one of those incredibly romantic, loving men. The ones who never forget anniversaries, brings flowers home just because, surprise trips, you name it, he’s done it. Recently someone asked us when our wedding anniversary was and I stuttered, he rolled his eyes and said “the 21st of June 2013, it was the coldest day we had that year.”
I was making my second cup of coffee and the kids were fighting on the lounge about whose grape was whose. I can’t ‘Mother’ until I’ve had at least 2 coffees so this was a fight to death kind of situation for them. Thankfully the big one gave in and handed the small one the grape. As the screaming ceased my husband called out from the room “Can you believe it’s my birthday in two weeks?” I froze, my eyes bulged from my head, I choked on my coffee and then confidently responded “of course I know, honey. After all these years, you think you need to remind me” he smiled politely kissed me and left for work.
I knew he knew, my heart broke. This man who does so much for me every single day feels forgotten, he feels as if he comes last in this busy, chaotic household. He knows he’s loved but he probably doesn’t feel as loved as when we first met and for that I’m sorry.
Dear Husband, I remember the promise I made to you when I was pregnant with our first. I remember laughing at friends who told us our life would change. I remember living in our peaceful little world and truly believing nothing would change our perfect relationship. I remember the support you gave me when I struggled with anxiety after having Scarlett but I don’t remember when everything changed.
I don’t remember, when I became so busy and so caught up in being a Mum that I would forget your birthday, I don’t remember the day I didn’t kiss you hello and for some reason that never became a priority again, I don’t remember when discussing bills or what discipline method we would use became more important than simply asking how your day was, I don’t remember the point that our life changed when I promised you it wouldn’t and for that, I’m so sorry.
Dear Husband, please know, you are loved, more than anything in this world you are needed and I know you need me, but at this time in our lives these little people need me more than you do. Please know, that no matter how hard times get between us, deep down I know we can get through it. Our babies won’t always need me as much as they do now.
Dear Husband, I’m sorry today is not that day, as I finish my coffee and prepare for the long, stressful day I think of all the wonderful things you’ve done for me and for our babies. I think of the time when things got so hard we dared to mutter the words “maybe this isn’t working” I want you to know, this is working, it’s working as best it can. Our life has changed, our relationship has changed and we’re learning, learning to adapt and to work our way through our new life which I’m slowly understanding will constantly change and with each change comes a new set of rules, new wonderful experiences and new not so wonderful experiences.
We can no longer expect perfection, we can’t expect to have that intense love we once shared every single day, because marriage is hard and parenting is even harder. But as we’re learning our love is growing and I promise you, one day in the not so distant future, when the kids are grown and our house is filled with a sense of calm and quietness it will once again be you and I, only this time, better. We will have endured so many obstacles and shared so much joy our love will be stronger than ever before. One day when we’re old and grey we will hold hands and be able to say, “we did it.”
Dear Husband, I still love you, I promise.
Breigh Kelly writes about all things motherhood & wife life that we don’t wanna talk about. Fumbling her way through motherhood, sharing honest, raw & real recounts of the shit-show that is life. Hiding anxiety through humor & fueled by coffee until it’s acceptable to pour a wine ? visit me here.
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