I’m just going to say it – Mother’s Day is the worst. Basically it’s a day for me to realize how little everyone does around here, and I have to dance around catering to my mother and mother-in-law on top of it. I know what an ungrateful bitch I sound like too. I just screamed at everyone and locked myself in the storage room. Fuck Hallmark. Anyone else feel like this?
Dear Suffering Mom,
Oh honey, we hear you. We hear you loud and clear. Before I get started on some words of sage advice, I’m gonna recommend that you pop out of your hideaway long enough to grab an adult beverage of your choice and a bag of doritos.
Are you back? Great. Pour yourself a glass, see how many chips you can fit in your mouth at once and settle in for some words of support.
Forget everything you read about Mother’s Day. It’s a farce. Mother’s Day isn’t a celebration, it’s a national day of memorial that should come with a mandatory two minutes of silence. For most of us, Mother’s Day is just one more chance for life to kick us in the boobs with the reminder that no one appreciates the work that we do.
For the past week Facebook has been spoonfeeding us posts about “how great mothers are” and “ten things we do and don’t want for mother’s day”. If I see one more picture of an orchid with Happy Mother’s Day written in curly script on it, I’m going to barf. If you click on through to some of these posts you’ll quickly realize that the only people talking about Mother’s Day are MOTHERS. That’s right. For every one man saying “Thanks Honey!” there are 4,982,450 women saying “Fergawdsakes, please do something, ANYTHING, for me for Mother’s Day.”
The truth is that only about 1.5% of all mothers in the world have a picture perfect Mother’s Day.
The rest of us moms are lucky to get a glitter and macaroni covered card that we’ll just have to vacuum up later. Let me break it down for you:
60% of moms spend the day doing the exact same thing we always do – cooking, cleaning, wiping butts and noses and just trying to survive until bedtime. Our spouses use excuses like “It’s not a ‘real’ holiday” or “It’s just a commercial thing” or “Oops, I forgot!” to explain why there isn’t even the mandatory box of cheap CVS chocolates waiting for us on the breakfast table. If this is your situation, you have two options. 1) Bend over and bite the pillow…you’re getting the Mother’s Day shaft and you are not going to enjoy it. OR 2) Call for an immediate strike and retreat, wine and doritos in hand, to the nearest storage closet that you can securely lock from the inside. Bonus points if you manage to take the iPad and charger with you.
Another 38.5% of moms spend the day catering to the older generation…their moms or the dreaded mother-in-law. I know, I know, there’s nothing like having your own kids to make you gain a whole new appreciation for your own mother’s work over the years. Do yourself a favor and thank her on another day. Mother’s Day should be strictly limited to those who are still in the thick of the “mothering” time period. Once again you have two options. You can either 1) Hightail it out of the room anytime any grandparent asks about Mother’s Day lunch plans or 2) Do a preemptive strike and book out grandparent babysitting services before they realize the significance of the day.
That leaves us the last 1.5%. The Mother’s Day lovers. There are only two ways to make 100% sure you will fall into this category. You can either be a royal, raving bitch about Mother’s Day so that your family fears for their own lives if they eff it up. Or you can marry the perfect man. Huh, maybe that just leaves you with one option after all.
F You, Mother’s Day.