The idea of virginity all wrapped up in purity and “goodness” is quite confusing for me as a grown woman, with a young daughter. That dichotomy is not discussed too often is it? I have a set of ideas for myself based on my own history, and totally different views for her. Hypocrite? Yup.

It is such a complex issue and I am sure that a number of people much smarter than me have beaten this issue to death. I am not going to pretend to open up new avenues of sociology with this post, I am just trying to get my head around what messages the young women of today are facing. What decision will my daughter have to make and using what compass setting?

Exploring the idea of navigating sexuality was not in the parenting manual. One of the most interesting posts and documentaries I have come across recently is this masterpiece about virginity. It is a documentary, and it is interesting.  I watched the documentary trailer on Jezebel with incredible interest because I was hoping for answers.  I got a few I think.

As a starting point though, I would never tell my daughter she should wait until marriage. That is an ancient construct that people of deep religious conviction continue to hang on to. I mean Dad’s taking their daughters to purity balls??? You know what that is besides deeply creepy? It is about men, who have sexual urges they are taught are shameful, and beating those urges down by controlling their daughters’ hymens.  Call it being good faith indoctrinated fathers or whatever, it is still creepy as hell watching a bunch of girls read off a manifesto for keeping their legs closed while their Dad has his hand on their backs.

Then along the same vein… there is that story about a virgin birth. Ya, maybe humans bought stories like that long ago, but now we have the internet and science, but it was a nice fairytale in its time.

I would tell my daughter to save it for somebody who would treat her well, but then I remember teenage boys. Gawd. Good luck with that.

I realize that there are more people laying claim to my daughter’s sexuality than I first thought. Her friends want to influence her. Her Father wants to keep her in the house until she is 30 because he remembers what he wanted from girls. The larger world wants her to make a choice now. Good girl or slut? Which will it be? They want a label so they can file her away.

She and I talk about how meaningful sex can be, but I want to say it can also be not meaningful at all. It can be fun and forgettable too, and you are no less of a good woman if you can’t remember his name a week later.

What I did figure out from the women interviewed in that documentary is that we all have our story of when we “lost” our virginity. Some of them even spent quite some time trying to grow it back on principle. Some women are murdered for not protecting it well enough and shaming their families. Other women carry nice memories and don’t consider  it “lost” just changed. Why is this such a big deal? So much shame and pressure.

I think I will tell my daughter that nobody has a right to tell her what it means to her when she decides to get rid of a very small piece of flesh. I will try to explain it doesn’t represent purity or goodness, it means it is simply your first time at the rodeo. Then I will try to point out that you need to try a few steeds before you pick one with a saddle you like.

(This post originally ran on MagnoliaRipkin.com)

Author

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

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