I am sick as a dog. I wonder where that expression comes from? My dog, to my knowledge, has never been sick. Though he does eat his own poop, so perhaps that’s what they meant? But I digress.
I am dripping with germs, green snot, chills, headachy, “sweating my balls off” sick. My husband is, of course, out of town so I am trying to make the best out of a horrible situation (i.e. feeling as sorry for myself as humanly possible). I want somebody to take care of me. My options are limited to a toddler, a moody preteen, and a nine-year-old who is adorable and also not the sharpest tool in the shed.
OK kids, I’m going to need you to man up. Just for 24 hours. I only have a few simple requests:
1 – I want to be spoon-fed chicken noodle soup. Airplane noises optional.
2 – I want someone to wipe my butt because…. Too. Much. Effort.
3 – I want water in one sippy cup and wine in another. I’m sick, not dead.
4 – Please write a note to my boss letting him know I am on my death bed and will not be able to work today. Kindly leave my wine drinking out of this memo.
5 – I would like someone to rub my back. Draw letters if you must.
6 – I want you to give me a bath. With bubbles. I’ll only make you wash my hair, but be warned, snarky preteen, roll your eyes one more time and this little bath will turn into an all-out spa day.
7 – I need someone to take my temperature as I am quite sure I am dying. WAIT… NOT THERE!!!
8 – I need you to bring me my meds. Please take care to hide them in yogurt and distract me while I swallow.
9 – Let me sit quietly and cry. Rub my head and tell me everything is going to be OK. Feel free to also tell me I’m pretty.
10 – I want to lie on the floor and be adorned in footed pajamas. I will likely flop around and cry. Please keep that in mind when considering effort level.
11 – I will need to be tucked into bed. Don’t feel like you need to sing me a lullaby, but I’ve always been partial to Baa Baa Black Sheep.
I really don’t think this is too much to ask. After everything I have done for you through the years, it’s time to give back.
This wouldn’t be considered a child labor sweatshop if it’s temporary, right?