So did Vincent D’Onofrio. They started off lean and mean, but made the catastrophic error of eating carbs and steak. Now they rock Jabba the Hutt level jowls. Seriously those flesh pockets jiggle on well after the actors stop talking.
Of course, being movie stars, they have been sent down the trap door of shame to wallow in their extra large Dad bods.
Oh wait… no they haven’t. The film industry trap door of grey hair and fat shaming is only for women.
Leo and Vincent can still play lovers, criminals, good guys or whatever, and as long as they don’t try to pull off superman in full body tights without digital enhancements they can still get a paycheque. Hell, they can still catch a net full of bikini wearing supermodels if they push back from the buffet long enough to reach out and grab some.
Yes, they can still star in a movie and convincingly play the husband or lover of a slim trophy female. Suit makers will install compression panels in the alpha males’ undergarments and they will walk confidently like a big horny silverback in front of the cameras. They feel loved and sexy. Or maybe they will go commando and forgo compression and let it all hang out even if they haven’t seen their gear in two years… they know it is still there, and that they can still get somebody to touch it.
I was thinking about which people should worry about being fat in Hollywood. Clearly my list didn’t include Tina Fey, yet there she was in knee to boob elastic girdle garments handing her dress to David Letterman. If she feels she has to wear that blood clogging gear, what hope is there for Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy? Those women have to live in a world that considers them invisible unless they pare down to the weight of their current left leg.
One would think that they wouldn’t ever get a good gig, so they have to be super extra talented, and probably wear the tightening gear, but only on the red carpet. Another example of the impossible is Gabourey Sidibe playing the rather buxom lead in Precious honoured by the Academy. Could it be that there is a change in wind for the land of white teeth and fake boobs? An obese black girl taking the red carpet by storm? About time say I.
Still I remain dubious. Unless I see a convincing romance between Kathy Bates and Hugh Jackman, in a movie or real life, I am skeptical. They are 20 years and 50 pounds apart. I can picture your raised eyebrow at the mere thought of a doughy senior citizen and panty throb Hugh. It usually works the other way around. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are married in real life. She is 22 years younger than him, but to be fair, he has to spend epic time at the gym to remain lithe enough not to crack her feeble little frame in half when it is time for him to Indiana her Jones.
It is probably pointless to mention George Clooney and the other silver foxes. They only shop in the size zero racks at the trophy wife store and won’t star or frolic with those whose thighs don’t gap. I wonder if in his previously record-setting single life handsome George dated Amy Schumer? She claims to be able to catch dick anytime she wants to, I am curious if she ever got a hold of his? Ya I don’t think so either, but the mental image is awesome don’t you think?
I know we all want the stars to look perfect. Except that somehow the public gives way more latitude to older pudgy men in movie sparkle land. I have to admit that when I am at the hairdresser and look patently bored while flipping through gossip rag mags I am not looking at the dresses hanging on the bones of starlets. Nope, I am checking out with great satisfaction pictures of all the tubby boys and congratulating them on their girth and santa like sexiness. I applaud their “every man” physique and Dad Bods.
Leo and Vincent are probably shopping their resumes around to start playing the roles of Mafia Godfathers or some other acceptably corpulent character. I hope they get to play opposite Kathy Bates or some other brilliant actress who has earned her position among Hollywood royalty by being exceptional, dignified and has made her weight and vintage irrelevant.
fake photo credit: freakingnews.com because photoshop helps make the point.
(This post originally ran on MagnoliaRipkin.com.)
1 Comment
I am passionate about D’Onofrio, even though he won a good few pounds over the years. It is one thing for me, you know? And think about it, his best roles in movies were just bizarre guys, The Bug of black men, Winnie the Pooh Salton Sea, and I fell in love with him when he was Gomer Pyle ‘Full metal jacket’, so he has not to pose like a model armani stripped because he never really needed beauty and thinness to display their talent. And contrary to what you think, not fattening because someone has a gluttony of attack, but also by health problems, you know? I like the ‘wealth’ of it, and for me it will always be beautiful and talented !!!