I grew up with divorced parents and it totally sucked ass. Because of my childhood, I told myself I would NEVER subject my kids to a similar fate.
Never say never.
After 18 years of marriage my husband and I divorced. Yep, I was the one who ended it. The mom who was highly regarded by friends and family alike, simply announced one day it was over. Once I made that decision, there was no turning back.
If I had to pinpoint the one thing that convinced me it was truly over, I would find it hard to choose. Yes, infidelity played a huge role, but there were other dysfunctions as well. There were so many issues left unresolved over the years and it played a huge role in our demise.
Even so, did I give up too soon? Maybe. Let’s face it. 18 years is a hell of a long time and it is a complete mind fuck to consider starting over at 40 years of age. I remember the confusing emotions of relief, fear and shock when I finally decided I was done. I still deal with the judgments of those who decided in their self-righteous minds that I was sinning and ‘pissing God off’ by choosing divorce. Oh what beautiful grace, yes?
However, I knew staying meant accepting mediocrity in my life. It meant being unable to move forward to a healthy existence. It meant hating myself even more by staying in an unhappy relationship. It meant denying restoration in my life. It meant even more therapy (that was the deal breaker right there!)
I’m sorry if I am shitting on your parade but there are some things a marriage can’t recover from. I am living proof of it. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the beauty of new beginnings and all that fairy dust bull shit, but it doesn’t work for everyone. No one truly gets the pain except the ones who are living it.
My divorce came at an even greater cost because it was no longer just my husband and myself in the equation. There were two little people whose lives would be forever altered. When it came to my kids, my mom guilt was so high it would fail a breathalyzer test. At times I question whether or not it was worth it. Sadly, the aftershocks of divorce continue long after the final papers are signed.
You can imagine how magnified my mom guilt grew when my kids were asked to share past hurts at school for an assignment. Both shared about our divorce and my son upped the ante when he added he hoped his dad and I would get back together. His teacher told him to ‘keep hope’. What the fuck?
At the risk of sounding selfish, if I can’t be a functioning woman, how in the world am I going to be an effective parent? What kind of example am I setting for my kids? Do I want my children to view their parents’ marriage as a whole, thriving one? Or, do I want my kids to see marriage where two people lived in the same house but were completely disconnected?
My ex-husband is an incredible father who is actively involved in our children’s lives. I am grateful I can say they have a father who loves them more than life itself. We work really hard to maintain a solid, unified relationship. We speak several times per week and are both engaged in their schooling, activities and emotional/physical health. We are connecting with our children and frankly, our communication has increased with our kids because we are more intentional with our time with them.
Do I wish things had turned out differently? Hell, yes. Do I wish I could erase the past several years? Hell, yes.
In light of this however, I know we can’t stay in the past. Every day I have to remind myself. We need to concentrate on the present and embrace the shit out of it. I would prefer my children have two healthy, loving parents who live separately, than be trapped in a home riddled with dysfunction.
Despite the years of angst, our family has some really great memories, ones my kids look on with humor. We talk about those memories often and now we are making new ones. Even if their dad and I don’t live in the same house, it doesn’t mean we can’t be family. Family can take on so many shapes and sizes. Just because it doesn’t fit the ‘traditional’ mold people tend to think is normal, doesn’t make it any less meaningful.
Not even divorce is going to take that away from us.
{This ‘Best of Blunt Moms’ post was first published in October 2014}