Mom Mafia

So this group called the Parent Teacher Association (PTA), or as I fondly call it, “The Mom Mafia,” is a force to be reckoned with in my school district. They are an elite group reserved specifically for the cream of the mother’s crop. If one chooses to pursue this sorority of sorts, I expect there to be some hazing involved.

A lot has changed since the days my mom was a PTA member. Our fundraisers usually consisted of cakewalks. Damn, if I didn’t walk in every one of those mother fuckers trying to win a cake.

Now, I’m not calling every PTA out on their bullshit because I think there are some really great ones and I applaud the moms/dads who kick ass, dig in and work tirelessly to make their kid’s school a better place.

But this PTA. Wow. Let’s chat about that. This PTA is full of hot moms. So. Many. Hot. Moms. We are talking skinny jeans, toned arms, gorgeous hair, tight yoga butts, perky knockers, designer handbags and stiletto heels.

Then there is me.

The crunchy, boyfriend jeans, flip flop wearing, people pleasing mom that makes the stiletto wearers cringe and kinda throws a wrench into their whole image.

As I observed the group from afar, I realized I was the fattest one present even though I wear like a size 4. OK, maybe not exactly a 4, but you get the idea.

I’m not saying the stilettos and perky knockers are a bad thing. It sure as hell doesn’t hurt when it comes time to fundraise. And when I say “fundraise”, I mean like bringing in serious bank. These ball busters rake in the bucks with a treat em’ and street em’ mentality that gets shit done.

The Mom Mafia rules the school with an iron fist. How many PTA clubs do you know where one must pay an initiation fee in order to volunteer? Pay to volunteer?

In addition, one must attend a monthly in service training to remain in good standing. I’m impressed they can pull this off with such finesse by convincing the incoming pledgers this is well worth their time and money.

I love it when they try to recruit the dads. You can almost see the dad’s nuts retract as they slowly back away, refusing eye contact. Sadly, they can only ignore the tight yoga butts for so long before they are paying out the ass at a fundraiser.

Don’t misunderstand me, I love a good PTA as much as the next parent but when I’m told I need to pay 60 bucks to get into a barn party and pay for my own drinks? Oh hell to the no.

Recently the Mom Mafia hosted a coffee at school. I was skeptical at best, but being new to the school I thought what better way to meet some fellow parents. Surely there had to be some lone mom wearing Birkenstocks and size 10 jeans, oh wait, I mean size 4 jeans.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered there wasn’t.

Instead there was a docent, much like one would see at a museum, stationed in the hall leading groups of parents to a coffee soiree in the reflection garden.

I shit you not, my kid’s school has a reflection garden. At our old school, a reflection garden would be considered a bathroom.

I bailed, claiming my dog was due to take a dump.

The only thing I regret about NOT attending the soiree? The food. A well known bakery’s scones and espresso bar were in attendance, plus a trendy fusion food cart showed up for lunch. Of course I discovered you had to pay for everything because that too, was a fundraiser.

With that in mind, I have been thinking about starting my own cool parent club. I’ll be the one in the back school lot hosting car washes and bake sales in my flip flops and baggy jeans. I might be the only one there, but who cares? More cupcakes for me.