Summer is one big punch in the lady balls for many of us moms. The shock of having kids back in the house full fucking time is no small event and takes most of us weeks to acclimate to the horror. From fighting siblings to sunscreen wars, no mother is safe from the beginnings of summer vacation and the insanity it brings.
Now that my kids are a bit older, I’ve come up with some excellent strategies for facing the drastic and desperate adjustment period that summer always brings. In a pinch or with thoughtful meditation, any one of these techniques can be called upon to save the day. To start things off, it is highly beneficial to undergo some strength and conditioning before faking a sickness or injury. Every good athlete knows that endurance and preparedness are cornerstones of a solid performance, and mothers can follow suit by creating their own “Summer Mommy Bootcamp” right in the comfort of their own home.
Getting In Shape
Start by rigging several 40-100 pound sand bags to the ceiling above your bed and attach them to retractable pullies. Have your significant other operate the lever system by repeatedly dropping the sand bags onto various parts of your body- preferably your tits, vagina, and face. It works best if you do this before 6 am.
It helps to play recordings of whining children begging for food, screaming girls, and loud video games. You should also have audio of a very loud crying baby in the background, which will help desensitize your nervous system.
Obtain Referee Licensure
It makes little to no difference what type of sport you’re qualified to referee, the point is you can control the motherfucking game. A good referee is impartial, takes zero shit from the field and readily throws those bastards in the penalty box.
Plan Your Escape
A person can only take so much of non-stop kids, so it’s best to prepare several escape strategies ahead of time.
The Sick Mommy: at the end of week one, pick an illness easily feigned that will allow for a hasty retreat to the bedroom for a five hour Netflix session – repeat as necessary. Migraines are a sure thing.
The Injured Mommy: this is a drastic measure and requires some time honing in on your acting skills. It involves tripping and/or falling and fake-spraining an ankle or fake-twisting a knee. To maximize the effectiveness of this technique, squeeze some tears from your eyes and stay down on the ground moaning for 5-8 minutes. Feign extreme pain and take a few left-over pain meds from your husband’s knee surgery last year. Commence giving zero fucks.
The Fake Horny Mommy: this one comes with potential repercussions so use selectively. It entails making emptyomises to your significant other for oral sex at a later time, in exchange for getting out of a dreaded event.
Strength In Numbers
This strategy is a wildcard, as it can backfire really fucking fast, so use with caution. Play dates. They can alleviate sibling tension, provide adult time for mothers of kids over 4, and they help pass the never-ending days. Moms with young kids are pretty much screwed in this arena, as they’ll be too busy breaking up toddler brawls and running interference on situations that may cause death. Just don’t make the mistake of having an odd number of girls for your play date or you will quickly find yourself in a hell you didn’t know existed.
Limiting screen time in the summer is about as likely as me having zero crotch sweat during these hellish months. Not happening. In fact, my kids watch more TV in the summer because babysitters cost money and arts and crafts make me want to chew my own arm off.
As summer progresses, each mother will find her rhythm and fall into a routine that makes the days bearable and fun. Getting over the hump of summer’s commencement is a test in endurance, and on some days, it may seem impossible to find the will to put on clothes and face the ruckus that awaits each of us. When it gets rough, take heart, pick a strategy and cross your fingers that your family will leave you the fuck alone while you recharge your weary battery. It’s true that a mother’s job is never done, but there’s nothing that says a mother can’t fake-barf into the trashcan and retreat to her room.
Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor.