I detest the typical foreplay that gets normal people horny. I can’t even use the word “horny” without imagining reptiles with warts. Can we please just call it “hot” or “lusty,” people?
This became a problem when my boyfriend introduced this ‘R-rated’ Smartphone app into our relationship. The idea is to choose from a huge menu of sexual activities, and if both people pick the same things, those particular fantasies go in the couple’s mutual sexual bucket to try out in real life.
After an hour, when my “To-Do” list remained empty but three hundred disgusting ideas crowded my “To-Don’t” list, the app declared me frigid and referred me to a sex therapist.
Hmmm.
I quickly realized I needed to be more flexible and open-minded. So here are the least repulsive and inoffensive ideas the Smartphone app (and my boyfriend!) want us to do.
9 Turn-Ons That Won’t Turn Me On in a Million Years
- Play Around in a Hot tub Together – The jets were fun but when my boyfriend wanted to actually “do it” in the bubbles, I kept wondering how many other couples live in my condominium complex (with this exact Smartphone app) and have been in this very same Jacuzzi recently. Eww. I’m composing my “Ode To Chlorine” right now.
- Shower Sex — I’ve never understood the appeal here. Get naked under unflattering bathroom florescent lighting to partake in a utilitarian cleansing experience associated with either gym locker rooms or Norman Bates in Psycho with my hair plastered to my head while mascara runs down my cheeks and he cracks prison jokes with “don’t bend over to pick up the soap” as the punchline.
- Sex on a Fur Rug in Front of the Fire – As an animal lover, I’m going to be imagining which cuddly Bambi creature was killed for our coziness? And fireplaces are for toasting squishy, white unhealthy blobs. Even though my stomach technically qualifies, I’ll stick with marshmallows, thank you very much. Besides, I sweat profusely when I get “lusty” so I don’t need an open flame to make me perspire even more, thereby necessitating another shower together. Blech.
- Add heat or ice to oral sex – Why on earth? This activity is stressful enough as it is. Now I’m supposed to alternate turning his penis into a popsicle and then some kinda fresh outa-the-oven baked goodie I need an oven mitt to handle? Really, can we just go back to using the Reddi-Whip can?
- Role Play as Stewardess and Passenger—I’m deathly afraid to fly and pretending to be inducted into the “Mile High” club offers me zero thrills per minute. All I can think about are those air-sickness bags and tiny packages of salted peanuts spilling everywhere.
- Do It In Front Of a Mirror – If I have to view my wide reflection staring back at me during sex, he might as well bang me on a doctor’s office scale. I’ll begin obsessing about dieting and “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.” And then fish n’ chips and chicken strips and onion dips and licorice whips and… yes I binge when I’m being scrutinized.
- Incorporate chocolate covered strawberries or caramel sauce into your foreplay – Right! After the mirror escapade, the only thing I’ll be doing with these treats is adding up how many points they are on Weight Watchers.
- Wrap body Parts in Saran Wrap – Oh sure! Because he needs more proof that he’s getting served leftovers again tonight.
- Masturbate in Front of Each Other, Narrate Finger Auction – Huh? Auction? Okay, I guess. “The next item is a close-up of My Vagina. Done in lovely muted colors and circular brush strokes. I’m now sliding a single finger inside. Do I hear two fingers? Three? Three! Going once, going twice, coming three times!” Oh, never mind. That was a typo on our Smartphone app. It was Finger Action, NOT Auction.
That gives me a great idea! I’ll look over the other 8 items on our sexual bucket list in the hopes that I misread them as well. No such luck — 100% accurate. I guess there’s just two options now… serious negotiations with my boyfriend or see that sex therapist.
But I choose option #3, delete the Smartphone app.
About the author: Stephanie D. Lewis pens a humor blog called Once Upon Your Prime. Her work has been featured on In The Powder Room, BlogHer, Midlife Blvd, Say It With a Bang and local print publications. She is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and you can follow her on Twitter @MissMenopause. A single mother of six, she’ll pass on a full time nanny but definitely needs a live-in psychiatrist.