There are childless people out there who insist that they are moms too because they have a dog or a cat, and insist that love is love and it’s exactly the same thing. A fur mom would know! They have never had a kid in their life, and so therefore they are an expert in parenting. Also, we’re the assholes for claiming anything different.
Clearly, we have been doing parenting of our (human) babies wrong all our lives by not treating them the same as a kitten or a puppy. Thank you, fur moms, for showing us the error of our ways. Parenting is so simple now!
Vacationing
The hubs and I wanted some alone time. I thought I was going to have to cancel when my mother in law said she couldn’t take the kids for the weekend. Then I realised I was being silly! I’ll just leave them at home and put out another few bowls of Kibble and water as I do for Fluffy. They’ll be fine; it’s only two days.
Toilet Training
We’re probably interfering with the natural order of things, teaching kids how to use a toilet. Do you suppose a child is more like cats? Or dogs? If they’re like cats, I should be able to provide him with a box where he can bury his excrement and he’ll figure it out the moment he’s able to get up and walk. Hm, that may not be for 12 months or so. If that doesn’t work, I’ll try the dog approach. A couple of laps around the block and he’ll be crapping on the corner in no time flat. Does anyone have a bag? Oh, never mind. He just ate it. Now if only my kid would eat his own shit I could save thousands on diapers and toilet paper!
Sleep Training
My cats were great. They never needed any additional help from me to sleep 22 hours a day. Why kids can’t figure out that they should nap whenever they have a moment so that they can save their energy for the hunt is beyond me.
Co-sleeping
My kids kept climbing into the bed at night, waking me up at all hours. I tried throwing them back down onto the floor a few times, but they kept climbing back in again and again. Eventually I locked them down in basement with Fido and I was able to get a good night’s rest. Now if I could only teach them to stop scratching at the basement door….
Feeding
Canned food was on sale at Costco! Some for Spot, some for you. Dig in, it says it includes a complete balance of protein and vegetables. It will make your coat shinier.
Education
They’ve got instincts that have taught them everything they need to know. Right? I don’t know WHY I am investigating private school. And piano lessons. And after-school sports. But obedience class…now that is a subject I could get behind.
Teaching Them to Speak
“Ma-ma!” GOOD BOY! Here’s a doggy treat.
Punishment
My kid was being really naughty, so I locked him in the backyard all day. I left him a bowl of water and chained him to a stake so he couldn’t run away. He totally learned his lesson.
Runaways
For the love of all that is holy, please tell me that we can leave this category with just the title. No? Fine, $500 reward, call if found.
Have we made our point? Do you still think that caring for a cat or a dog is exactly like raising a child and deserves the same title and respect of a parent?
Here’s the thing that truly differentiates us: we are responsible for the next generation of productive, happy, educated members of society. Future doctors, lawyers, artists, bus drivers, programmers and parents. Even future dog walkers. Your pet may be comforting, full of unconditional love (even when you’re acting like an asshole) and his mishaps on Instagram may have thousands of followers but as parents, we are raising unique individuals, not merely fur covered extensions of ourselves.
I can guarantee you’ve never gotten up in the middle of the night to change vomit-or-pee covered sheets and comfort a pet who was afraid of the dark. You’ve never once had to worry about whether a school is challenging your pet enough intellectually. You’ve never had to put plugs into wall sockets to prevent your pet from accidentally electrocuting itself, or had to teach it that fire can burn it. You’ve never stood in public restroom stall with a pair of shit-encrusted underwear following an accident, debating about whether or not to wash them or throw them away. Or encouraged it to eat its spinach and broccoli. Or taken first aid because you worried about your pet choking to death.
Or any one of the other millions of things that I could spend all day outlining to you that you would have not the first clue about… because you are not a parent.
That’s right. You are not a Mom (or Dad). You’re a pet owner. I’ll even grant you the title “fur mom” as long as those two words never get separated, because trust me, you have not entered our echelon.
I sincerely love my pets and treat them as valued members of our family but if someone told me that I had to euthanize Fluffy to avoid harm coming to my child, well, Sophie’s Choice it ain’t and I’d be button for the purple juice faster than you can say “Brian Jonestown.” Love them all you want to. That’s a good thing. Baby them. Dress them up. We don’t care. But spare us the righteous indignation about love and being excluded from the mom club, because everyone who has both pets and kids (and therefore can compare the two) will tell you: it is not the same thing.
Three BLUNTmoms fought like steroid-guzzling American Gladiator she-beasts during the joust for the right to write this post, and we settled it with a three-way. ‘Cause the more, the merrier.