Rituals Your Son’s College Roommate Can’t Wait to Take Over For You

1.     Made sure your son knew his calculus, but forgot to teach him to do laundry?

Don’t you worry. Your son is rooming with Dave this year. Dave didn’t have many friends in high school and is eager to be the best roommate ever. Dave can’t wait to teach your little champ the importance of using fabric softener and separating lights and darks!

2.     Does your son need a little support in the mornings?

No worries. Dave’s an early riser and will be happy to wake your precious. When your son rolls over and demands five more minutes, Dave will give him six, because he’s just that cool.

3.     Your son rocked AP World History but never learned simple coping skills?

Dave will listen to your baby’s late-night rants so that you don’t have to. Sure, Dave is starting to worry that this is going to be a very long year, but he’s a patient guy and an eager friend, so he’ll add in “uh-huhs” at appropriate times to make your little whiner think he’s listening.

4.     Did your son have a housekeeper all of his life? Did he never learn how to pick his boxers off the floor?

Dave will do it! He’ll pick up your son’s soiled underthings and chuck them in the trash. But don’t fret – your son won’t even notice they’re missing!

5.     Does your son forget things?

All is well. Dave is just a call away. He will pick your little tike’s backpack off the floor, run it across campus, and throw it in your son’s fucking face.

6.     Does your son forget that he is loved? Does he need to be reminded that he is special?

Dave will support him with loving sentiments like, “What? You think you’re fucking special?” and “Fuuuuuuuuck you.”

7.     Does your son like a goodbye kiss on his way out the door?

“What, are you a fucking weirdo? Kiss my dick!” Dave will yell.

8.     Does your son have trouble falling asleep on his own? Regulating his schedule? Keeping a day planner? Communicating with professors? Following through on commitments? Did you plan on your little sweetheart being a big success at his fancy college, but forget to teach him basic life skills so that he’d have a fucking shot?

You’re in luck! No job is too big for Dave! He’ll happily help pack your son’s bags, load them in the car, wave him goodbye, and wait until you’re out of sight to do an end zone dance.

9.   Need help readying the basement?

Good luck with that.