School’s. Out. For. Summer

The battle cry of children breaking free from the shackles of organized education: School’s. Out. For. Summer. 

I, for one, am ecstatic about the school year coming to an end. The summer is a time of relaxation, tan lines and melted ice cream. It is three solid months of not faking my way through my kid’s homework assignments, discreetly looking up answers on Google. And, gosh darn it, I get to spend more time with my kiddos. In no particular order, here are the reasons I can’t wait for summer to begin.

1 – Mornings – Mornings are usually a blur of lost shoes, packing lunches and drop offs. But summer is different. Instead of chasing my kids out the door every morning, I get to listen intently for the first, “Moooom, I’m booooored,” of the day. This typically happens before 8am. Their angelic little feet barely touch the floor before bitching ensues. Nothing will placate their thirst for adventure. It’s all I can do to contain my excitement of planning out every second of their day.

2 – Mid-Morning – After tearing through a week’s worth of breakfast items, my little bottom feeders are in need of a snack. A standard school-year snack will not cut it. Because its summer. It’s a special season dedicated to Olaf, fireflies and children on break. Where are the popsicles, s’mores and Jell-O jigglers, they question? Tell you what kids, guess how many jelly beans are in this empty plastic Costco cheese puff container, and I will run right out and procure these items for you. Here’s a hint; it’s slightly more than the number of ladies Bill Cosby accosted but less than Kraft paid him to get out of his contract.

3 – Late-Morning – Their friends descend on our house. What a joyful time of ear-piercing screams and broken glass. My husband and I both work from home, so we get to spend these hours lovingly yelling  “Quiet down this minute before I lose my shit!” between conference calls. Then, we all have a good laugh as I try to salvage my professional integrity. “Oh, sorry Blake, I must have accidentally unmuted the phone. Excuse my language. I think we are making good progress here.”

4 – Lunch time – A time for us to gather round the family table and bask in each other’s glory. We are such a tight-knit family that I sigh affectionately as I look up to find us all heads down in our electronics.

5 – Twenty minutes after lunch – I gently remind the fruit of my loins that I did not have electronics back in my day. To this end, they should come up with a productive way to spend their afternoon. Outside of the house. I suggest Lawn Darts, which I personally feel have gotten a bad rap from both pediatricians and national media.

6 – Mid Afternoon – Darn it if one of the kids didn’t get pierced in the scrotum with a Lawn Dart. No worries, I haven’t been to the emergency room in ages! This is a welcome break during my day of back to back calls and important presentations with key clients.

7 – Dinner Time – Between picking up the youngest from daycare, carting the middle to a baseball game, and making dinner for our oldest and three friends (which means 3 different versions of the same meal… because… girls), we come together to high five each other. Another memorable summer day in the books.

8 – Bedtime – As we reflect on our blessings, I notice one of the children has contracted what looks like either A. Poison ivy or B. Herpes in his right eye. Back in the car to the emergency room we go. What an exciting adventure! I get home in time to lay him gently into bed where he accidentally punches me in my boob while trying to scratch his eye. What a hilarious story for his wedding!

I quietly slip into bed and roll over to kiss my amazing husband. He rolls towards me, farts, scratches his balls, and slings one arm around me. Summer fun was had by all.