Short People

The other day my 14 year-old daughter walked into my bedroom and flopped on my bed. I saw that she was a little watery-eyed and sniffling. When I asked her what was wrong she answered “Could you take a couple inches from me so you can be taller and I can be shorter? I don’t want to be this tall.”

She is currently 5’8” and I say currently because there is a possibility she could grow a little more. While 5’8” isn’t on par with a giraffe, it’s taller than most of her friends and a lot of the boys at her age, so I decided to fill her in on an eternal truth – being short sucks. At 5’4”-ish I’m on the tall end of short, but if anyone should be crying it should be me. I explained to her how it really works.

For starters, everything is out of reach. Not just the little cabinet over the microwave either. The top shelf of every cabinet is for all the useless things you own, since you can’t get to them without climbing on the counter itself, which is a risky proposition after a certain age. The top shelf in the grocery store or anything pushed to the back of the second shelf becomes some sort of mountaineering adventure that is sure to piss off the employees if they catch you. It’s the same for the tops of closets. There could be dead bodies up in there and I would never know it. Also, I have never seen the roof of my car. 

When it comes to clothes, nothing fits right. Oh sure, they have a petite section, which sounds nice until you realize it’s really just a PC name for the short people section and the clothes there are really short. Like, way too short for a regular short person. But the normal clothes are too long, so you either end up with high waters or with the back hem of your jeans looking like a rabid Chihuahua chewed it off. And God forbid you gain weight! On a tall frame gaining 5 pounds does exactly nothing. We shorties gain 5 pounds and people will start asking when the baby is due.

Another thing I find truly annoying is that my feet dangle. This one throws my husband off every time. No, I don’t want to sit at the bar because my feet don’t reach the rungs on the barstool. My feet just swing in the air until they fall asleep. This also applies at the hairdresser and really to any taller than normal chair.

Bathrooms have become a living hell. The worst are the tall toilets that are everywhere now. I’m trying to pee while simultaneously pushing my legs up by my very tippy toes so I don’t fall forward. Then some asshat decided it would be cool to put kitchen counter height vanities in bathrooms, so now I can’t bend over when I wash my face and I end up with water all down my front like some sort of wet t-shirt contest gone very wrong. And figure out how to hang a mirror that includes your whole head without cutting any of your husband’s off. Good luck.

Better yet, try hugging a tall friend who doesn’t bend down. Face Full O’Boob.

Honestly, I could go on forever – People always block the view. The steering wheel divides my line of sight out the front of the car and if my airbag deploys I will probably be killed because I’m too close. The visor is useless. I always get stuck with the middle seat. You have to jog to keep up with long legged people. The worst you can do to someone is kick him in the shins. Your waist is so close to your boobs that you look like Erkel – get the picture?

But the biggest insult of all has to be the song “Short People” by Randy Newman. A classic from 1977 that sent my daughter into hysterics and cured her blues over being tall.

Short people got no reason

To live…

Short people got nobody

To love…

Don’t want no short people

‘round here…

Yeah, yeah, it was just a joke. Screw you Randy.