Hey mamas and papas! I see you there amidst the craziness of our current “new normal.” And, if I’m not mistaken, I’m noting a look on your face that suggests you may be unraveling. (Just a tad.)
But fret not friends, you are not alone. We are all feeling the pressure right now; the tension and anxiety grow as the new and uncertain school year creeps closer. So, it’s time to take action! Which is why I’m sharing some unique and family-friendly ways to curb those impending snaps and meltdowns. The way I see it, COVID-19’s got us all a little weird, so why not get even weirder?
When you feel like you’re about to lose your shit, try one of these weirdo-parenting techniques:
1. HOP IN THE SHOWER
That’s it. It’s that simple. Just tear off your clothes and hop into the shower immediately. And why not set the holiday tone with an, “I’m outta here,” as you open the shower door and step into your steamy escape. It may even feel a bit like a vacation. Just add some ocean breeze scented body wash and piña colada shampoo, and it’s almost like you’re in Cancun. (Almost…)
2. PERFORM A SOLO WHITNEY SONG
Channel your inner Whitney, from the pre-Bobby years when she was vivacious and upbeat. Then, grab the TV remote, or a bottle of detangler, or even a hot dog, whatever is closest. Step up onto your stage (a kitchen chair or the living room sofa will do nicely) and take it away! Subtle, but with intention, at first: “I believe the children are our future….” And then, send it home when you hit: “…no matter what they take from me, they can’t take away my dignity!”
3. PICK A BIRD, AND BECOME IT
Maybe you’re feeling some crow vibes and cranking out some caws will do the trick, mid-conflict. Or perhaps a chicken or a pigeon are more up your alley. All you have to do is freeze at those first few indications that shit is about to get real. You know the symptoms: your breathing gets heavier, your heart starts pounding, you realize you’re squinting your eyes. This is the time to just: “CAW, CAW, CAW, CAW” your way out of the room. Done.
4. DO YOUR BEST DOCTOR EVIL IMPRESSION
This one works well when you are being dissed by your kid. They’re angry and so are you but some outstretched arms and your best Dr. Evil voice can bring this angry situation to a truce. “Come here, Scott. Give your father a hug. Come here. Come on. Come here.” Your kid will look at you thinking, who the hell is Scott? And then, looking as desperate and as bald as you can, throw in some slow-mo Macarena moves while chiming: “Tuka Tuka Tuka Tuka Tuka!” And just like that, your kid isn’t angry anymore, confused perhaps but that’s okay, isn’t it?
5. SING KUMBAYA
Now this one is an oldie but a goody, a classic campfire ditty. And we all know people feel calm and relaxed, united and at peace while sitting around a campfire. So give it a go. You could even start out by setting up an imaginary campfire, while singing: “Kumbaya my Lord, Kumbaya.” Who knows, you may all end up doing harmonies while roasting imaginary marshmallows together.
6. MOONWALK AWAY
No music needed, just you and the open hardwood, or the more challenging carpet or the, even more, trying stairs. The idea here is to remove yourself from the scene in a way that is both efficient and bewildering. With this strategy, you will silence the other person with your mad skillz and you will get your unhinged- self as far away as you possibly can, giving you time to cool off. Do not stop moonwalking until you are out of sight. Take it down the street if need be. Just go, let your feet lead the way. And then, exhale.
7. BECOME A ROBOT
Be all matter of fact when you announce: “I am a robot.” Obviously, you’ll need to use your best robot voice. You can then say whatever you want because when you add some stiff arms and some wide robot eyes, you will mesmerize your “opponent.” You’ll be like: “I am a robot, and I am done with this conversation. Clean your room.” Then you can stiffly ‘bot your way out of the room, to safety.
8. PLAY BUST A MOVE
Shout: “Alexa, play Bust a Move.” And then, bust out your best/worst moves right there on the spot. The carwash, the worm, the butt spin, the knee swap, and the sprinkler will suffice. Opting to bust a move will save you from busting everyone’s eardrums and you may even get to conclude with a family conga line.
9. COVER YOUR FACE & CUCKOO
When the temperature starts to rise, maybe the clock needs to strike midnight so everyone has a chance to start fresh. Just cover your face with both hands and pop your face out with a “cuckoo.” Repeat twelve times. And like Cinderella, you can get back to the real you when the clock strikes twelve. Nothing to see here, just a cuckoo bird doing her thing…
10. GO TO THE SPA
Tell the kids you are off to the spa but really head to the secret stash of lavender in your closet. Sniff it, snort it, roll in it, become lavender. Then, when you are ready, exit the lavender hotbox and return to your family anew.
So go ahead, embrace your inner weirdo and turn those future snaps into strange memories that will make your kids think WTF is wrong with my mom?
*An original version of this post appeared on Bell Media’s The Loop
1 Comment
Hahaha why lose your shit when you can GET WEIRD! I hear you on that one. Showers are great for calming the cray cray down. And Kumbaya, works almost every time 😉 Thanks Shannon!