I Failed at Tinder So You Don’t Have To

For those in strong, healthy relationships that started before the internet, Tinder is a dating application. It’s the most basic of all online dating platforms. You see a person’s face and you swipe left to dislike and right to like. I know. It’s exactly like dodge-ball tryouts. Sick.

Since becoming single a year ago, I have tried several sites to woo a mate to my boudoir. I’ve been completely unsuccessful. However, a girlfriend of mine became smitten with a ginger she found while swiping. She’s declared true monogamous love. I had to go and see for myself.

Unfortunately I have yet to find love on Tinder. But why would I? Things like love don’t happen for me. Read about it here…

After my six or ten week adventure here is my thesis: The Eight Stages of Finding “Love” on Tinder.

1. Download the app and relax.
2. Learn the moves. You will see a series of men. Swipe Left for Ewww and Right for Awww.
3. Know that when you swipe right, it doesn’t mean you get to have that firefighter for breakfast. He has to swipe right as well for the program to match you.
4. When you swipe right and get a match the app goes crazy and you feel like you’ve won three cherries in a row.
5. Until you realize your match is never going to message you.
6. You enter a deep, dark place wondering why that match never messaged you when clearly he took all the effort to swipe his thumb right for you.
7. You get over it, ’cause it’s Tinder

8. a) You find a match, he messages you, you click. You talk for days, plan to meet and buy a new outfit. He gets food poisoning on the exact day you are to finally have your first date. You say poor baby and carry on, until a week later he goes from texting, calling, and Face Timing every day to nothing. You stare at your phone, you wonder, you process, you think maybe the sexy pictures you sent him are now on a secret society’s trading page and you feel sick to your stomach. You text him to call, ’cause you would prefer to end it over the phone and he doesn’t respond…ever, or at least hasn’t in the last half hour. So you play break up songs and deal with it and delete your Tinder App, because fuck you Internet dating.

8. b) Or it works out for some, and yahoo for them.