My kids started school last week. When they stepped out the door with their brand spanking new Ninja Turtle backpacks, I heard the angels singing. Yep…I’m one of those moms who was elated to see the first day of school roll around. I’ll admit it: I wanted those loud, sticky short people out of my house for seven hours a day. And, I’m excited they get to learn new stuff, too. Yeah…that.
Back-to-school time means open season on social media sharing for online bitching about all the things associated with the business of getting our small humans educated.
And really, why?
For instance:
1. School starts too early
It’s early August, for crying out loud. The local board of education is trying to cheat me on summer.
Okay, I actually feel ya on this one, moms…but there’s not a lot you can do about it, hmm?
2. School starts too late
It’s early September and these kids just need to go to effing school while I still have a shred of my sanity.
Yeah, I feel ya here, too, but again…probably not something you have a ton of control over. And that shred of sanity you think you have? You don’t. Sorry to burst that bubble.
3. School supply lists are ridiculous
Three hundred and fifty-two sticks of glue and yellow folders (plastic not paper) with pockets and no brads…ridiculous and impossible to find. Fuck this.
Come on. Bitching about school supplies is pretty pointless. Your kids have to have them. Someone else decides what they have to have. You and a craptillion other parents are out at the same stores at the same time trying to find the same shit. Yes, it kind of sucks but the suckage is rather short term, so chill, Mamas. Buy your school supplies at Target or Walmart or another store that also sells wine and treat yourself a little.
And yes…we all wonder what the teachers have in mind for all that glue. That’s a little disturbing…not gonna lie. So. Much. Glue.
4. The PTA sucks
Maybe it does…or maybe it doesn’t. A lot of parents who kvetch about the PTA haven’t given it a fair shake. Go try it. Mingle and shit. If it sucks, don’t go back. Easy decision.
5. Carpool parents suck
There are always going to be drop-off lane assholes but things are particularly chaotic as the rookie parents try to find their groove. Simma down and give it a month. It gets better or you just get used to it.
6. Your non-parent friends think there’s too many “first-day” pictures on Instagram
Fuck ‘em. If I want to post 12 pictures of my kid standing on my porch with his new Star Wars lunchbox, I fucking will. If someone is disturbed by my pictures, they don’t have to look. That is all.
7. Pinterest moms have too much time on their hands
So fucking what? There are certainly worse things than spending too much time looking at glittery craft ideas and fashioning cheese and veggies into cutesy-poo little shapes. If the mom next door has a meth lab in her basement, then you can bitch. If the fact that someone else likes to look at DIY projects and recipes online grinds your gears, maybe it is you that has too much time on her hands, hmm? Try yoga.
8. Granola moms are obnoxious
Only nitrate-free turkey on 598 grain bread for my little Petunia.
Ehhh…yeah, I’m with you. This mom is obnoxious. Whatever. My kid is probably sharing his baloney and processed cheese food Lunchable with little Petunia and mom has no clue that her kid is ingesting so many preservatives. Everyone will be just fine.
9. OMG do you know people are still sending their kids to school with Lunchables?
Back off, granola moms. Yes, people are.
We deal with so many food allergies at our school that I’m not above sending my kid to school with a pudding cup and a sleeve of Ritz crackers if I think he will eat it. My spawn eat balanced meals at breakfast and dinner but with all the school’s food restrictions, I’m more interested in filling bellies and not sending my kidlets to school with something that would harm one of their classmates, such as nut products.
10. I think my hairdresser’s cousin’s lawn guy’s homeschooled kid isn’t learning enough…
MYOFB already, m’kay?
Let’s just stop…agree to disagree, shall we? The “Mommy Wars” are a social media made-up term to describe some watered down version of the hunger games, Mom Edition. And yes, we’re all going to find something annoying about back-to-school crap. It comes with the territory.
Breathe. It passes. Actually, it passes too quickly, so if you have young kids, try to stop and find something to savor about this season because you will miss this one day. Okay, maybe you won’t miss the asshole carpool parents or the three page supply list…but there will come a day when you might want all this back.
Put some wine in that travel mug and go check out the PTA. You just never know… and may the odds be ever in your favor.
