Vagina Steaming for the Budget-Conscious

Gwyneth Paltrow has found an entirely new way to be insipid as hell and leave the rest of us feeling like we can’t have nice things… like a shiny power-steamed vagina. I didn’t even know I needed one, but if Queen Kook is doing it, I must find a way. But not at Hollywood prices. 

As much as we’d all like to go out and get rose petals draped across our hoo-has, it’s hard to justify $200 for it. That’s why I set out to find ways to steam my vagina on a budget. When  I started looking for the generic brand (read: cheap) equivalent of Chanel #5, there was no shortage of people I could ask for recommendations. But when it came to finding a low-cost alternative to the Hollywood snatch steam, referrals got sparse. (Crazy, right?!?!)

Undeterred, I turned to Pinterest, the keeper of all things, and plugged in terms that have no business being there (hope my mom doesn’t find that board), and then test drove the best ideas my fellow steamers had to offer.

Here it is – a carefully curated list of ideas how you should (and should NOT) powerclean your love canal. 

#1: Go for a group discount

Grab your gaggle of girlfriends and head over to the nearest gym steam room. Don’t forget your protective eyewear; it’s January so there’ll be no shortage of prodigious winter muffs “down there.” Give the eucalyptus spray a few pumps before sprawling around the room, and don’t forget to put your labia into the proper lotus position. In the beginning, it might seem a bit weird to see your bestie’s lower lips moving more than her mouth. But before you get all caught up in your pearl-clutching and saying “OMG, I could just *never* do that with my friends,” let’s remember that these are the same besties who taught you to hold a witch hazel pad over your episiotomy stitches so you could poop without an epidural. You *can* do this. Get off your high horse, loosen up that towel, lie back, close your eyes and talk about how much you love the kale quinoa kefir smoothie you had for lunch. You’ll be ready to consciously-uncouple in no time.

#2: Did someone say vapor rub?

No, no one said vapor rub and I don’t care how shy you are and how reasonable it seems to use that dusty humidifier you’ve got tucked away in the closet for your steam, a DIY carpet cleaning never, ever achieves the same results as a professional. Do you know what the vaginal steaming equivalent is of accidentally spilling the dirty carpet water all over your freshly cleaned floor? It’s that little bit of menthol you added to the water chamber last time you had a cold. MENTHOL. (Crosses legs, uncrosses legs, fans the area a bit, bites inside cheek, crosses legs again.) You get a little bit of that stuff down there and you’ll discover it is indeed possible to sit on the shower head without getting a happy ending. 

#3: Teabagging isn’t just for men…oh wait, yes it is

For every reader out there wincing over my mentholated labia, there’s somebody still sitting there thinking of solo steam cleaning. Climbing up on your kitchen table and straddling a cup of steaming rosehip tea might seem like a sensible solution. I get that. Unfortunately, my neighbor also got it when he came home early from work and accidentally caught of glimpse of my steamy lady tunnel through the kitchen window. Block parties are going to be just that much more interesting this year.

#4: A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do

Hopefully by now I’ve convinced you vaginal steaming requires at least two people: The “steamer” and the “steamie.” If you’re shy but need some help blowing hot air on your hoo-ha, you probably don’t need to look any further than your significant other. I pitched the idea of a vaginal steam to my man and before I even got the words out of my mouth, he had me stripped out of my pants. He quickly located my third eye and set to work on realigning my chakras and steaming up our bedroom windows. By the time he hit the fluff cycle, I couldn’t get any words out of my mouth other than an indistinct moan. And let me tell you, when I let him put his moneymaker where his mouth had just been, we were both smelling the roses. 

Someday, like Gwyneth, I might need to put my pleasure house back on the market, and it’s good to know that should I require a professional steam, one is available. But until my carpet turns into a high-traffic area, I’m pretty sure these low-budget alternatives are just as good as sitting on a throne of mugwort leaves and letting infrared light massage my uterus. After all, this old thing has been down to one customer for a few years now.