We like to say: “I’m not their friend, I am their parent.” I’ve even said it myself. But do I believe, deep inside, that parents and children can’t be friends? No, I don’t think I do.
Just think about it: we like saying that some people just can’t be friends. Men and women. The young and the old. The rich and the poor. Hindus and Muslims. Each time a friendly relationship crosses boundaries, we call it unusual. So it sort of makes sense to frown at a relationship where parents and children are friends.
We like having things a certain way. We like everyone to know their place and not to stick out. In the book of unwritten rules, parents are the ones who are supposed to nag, discipline, punish, teach, install routines, time-outs, and set rules. Friends are supposed to do whatever we want them to do, to always be nice and always listen and never tell us what to do, and to always be there for us.
But in reality, it’s the other way around: parents do many things that friends should do. And friends do many things that parents should do. They say that friends are the family that you choose. But family are the friends that you are given, and you have to accept them with all their weirdness and problems.
Many of us have been nagged by friends to do the right thing. We have been criticized because we did too much and our friends couldn’t take it anymore. We have been told off for being a pain-in-the-neck and requested to apologize. Maybe, we have even been yelled at.
At the same time, our parents have been our shoulders to cry on. They have been the ones who got us out of all kinds of unpleasant situations. They have been the ones who always stood beside us, no matter what.
Of course, there will be exceptions to every rule; not all parents and children will be friends, just like not all men and women will be friends. Not all parents want to be friends with their children. But, I do.
I was a socially awkward girl, but I always wanted to hang out with the “cool crowd.” My friends wouldn’t usually be considered “cool”. Many, just like me, were outsiders, social outcasts, unpopular. But they were cool for me.
I think my children are cool, too, and I want to hang out with them. I don’t want to nag, I want to explain and make kind requests, and show them that I care deeply about them. I want to help them make good decisions, stand by them, support them. I want to laugh with them, cry with them, play with them, be with them.
I don’t think parenting needs to be boring or serious. I don’t think friendships need to be all rosy and devoid of depth. This is why I think parenting and friendships are not that different. There are plenty of situations where these two intersect.
I believe that everyone has to declare for themselves what kind of relationship they want with their children, and this is how I hope mine will be. Even if I risk being called a doormat mom.
So be it.
