It would be hard to describe the shenanigans that go on in the cadre writer group here at Blunt Moms. Certainly when you get a bunch of writers, who are also stressed out Moms, there will be hilarity and some epic rudeness.

One  day we were talking about how the swamp creatures who surround the orange dictator would do in the dating world.  We imagined these ads on Tinder would maybe get them some fine booty… or not.

Tinder for the undateable:

Ivanka, 37 years old, Washington DC
I’m back on Tinder because Daddy’s so busy now, and the drugs have worn off. I’m finally looking around and realizing that every male I know just wants to fuck me and thinks I’m dum. I’m ready to be more than just a pretty face and perfect body, but I still want to enjoy the good life so I’m looking for a really rich guy who will respect my inteligents and help me peddle my shoes and handbags. I’m tired of politics and FBI agents sniffing around so wisk me away to a tropicle iland and feed me gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free and organic, yet simple meals. I’m used to groping and racism, so I hope your big and white. Wink!

Mike, 59, Washington DC
Me: I play the role of an ultra-conservative politician on TV but oh how I long to live out my days on the beach in liberal California. Those free spirits are indeed my true people. Kindred souls. They look so happy, so carefree… I know not what happiness is. But I want to.
I have tired of living beneath Mother’s ever watchful eye and I can no longer deny who I am inside. I want to get drunk and eat lots of food… with YOU.
You: Adventurous, not into the bible OR bondage (I’ve had enough of both, thanks), likes to eat food. Must love butt stuff.

Melania, 48, Anywhere but Washington D.C.

Hello. My name is Melania and I speak six languages but not perfect. I was model and once met the Aflac duck when we star in a video advertisement together in 2005. He was very handsome and so ducking funny! Unfortunately, my brain was zapped one too many times during filming… I ended up settling for a Donald that year instead. It was a terrible mistake for which I still pay. He stick dick in places it should not go, like porn stars and possibly his daughter. I so over it.
 I looking for lovely man (or duck) who is wealthy and nice. He must also never plan to run for presidency. THAT IS DEAL BREAKER. I still can’t believe I am first lady. I did not want this. No one wanted this. By the way, this profile in no way plagiarizes Michelle Obama’s profile. Any similarities are coincidence. Be best!

Don Junior, 22 (seriously virile as well as young) Washington D.C.

Me: Dashing genetically gifted stud with Daddy issues. I wipe my tears with my grandfather’s money and sniff my fingers for comfort when I am faced with CNN reporters. My hobbies include saving boogers in the pages of porn magazines, and flossing my teeth.
You: Mouth breather with a pulse.

These folks would do better we assume:

Nancy, 78 Washington D.C.
I’m a real woman looking for a real man who can be alone with a vagina in a room without sweating and speed-calling Mother and who doesn’t brag about grabbing pussies with his tiny, inadequate hoof-paws. If you get a boner from traumatizing small children of non-European descent or ogling your cantaloupe breasted daughter, I will eviscerate you without saying a word. If you are a big fat liar and a no-nothing blowhard, you will feel the wrath of my tongue. However, If you are a confident male who knows lots of two or more syllable words we will get along swimmingly and I won’t roll my eyes once. If you feel personally disrespected, eunuched and boiling, go ahead and call me a shrill bitch—it shows you’re snively and scared. I like that. Instead, you might want to find a fawning blond numbskull who will powder your bottom and fluff your tumbleweed hair. Oh, and If you’re a namecaller—the kind of flabby-dicked man who needs to label someone a loser or horseface on social media—you can call me a badass muthafuckah and I will take it as a compliment, because you’re right. Swipe left, bitch.

Elizabeth, 69, Washington D.C.
I’m a fighter. A straight up balls-out crusader. Hell, my own memoir is titled, “A Fighting Chance,” for fuck’s sake. I’ve always stood up for the underdog and I’ve never been afraid to get a little bloody in the process. I firmly believe those traits are a direct result of my Native American ancestry.
I’m looking for a guy who likes to bang and isn’t afraid to get a little banged up in the process. He’s gotta be strong and he’s gotta be fast (but not too fast lol), and preferably fresh from a fight.
I’m proud of who I am (as well I should be!) and I need someone who is comfortable with that. I have yet to meet that match; nevertheless, I persist.

There are so many interesting characters to date when you are wading through a shallow pool of grifters and morons. Good thing there are some high quality women ready to take the helm of this country.

 

 

 

Magnolia Ripkin
Author

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

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