As a Mother, there is no terror so all-consuming as the idea of losing your child. The idea of death coming for my child is something that lurks in the back of my mind more than I care to admit. Misfortune and tragedy seems to lurk in every corner when you are a Mother. We see others experience it in the news and are helpless to do anything but hug our little ones tight. We feel pain for those other Mothers who weep into their own empty arms.
I knew a family who lost their little girl to a drunk driver. A long time after their very public and terrible loss, I saw them sitting in a restaurant. I experienced such a sick feeling I couldn’t even go over and greet them. I realized afterwards that I was incapable of evening being near the shadow of death of a child, it frightens me so much.
Today I stumbled across an organization called “Now I lay me down to sleep”. They are photographers who handle the most terrible images I can imagine. They take final pictures of families with their deceased babies. How is this even possible? How can they hold such strength in their hearts to work with these families? How do these families live through these photo sessions? I can see wanting to have the memories, but the shock I felt at the idea of it sits with me still, many hours later.
I remember a long ago friend. Her 16 year old got his driver’s license and died before he could pull into the driveway his first time behind the wheel. She told me that she would sometimes stand in the shower and scream until she collapsed. She lived this pain, I recoiled from it.
I cannot know what it is to experience stillbirth, although I have been very close to a friend who lived this hell. I have no way of connecting with a grieving Mother, because there is nothing in my life that has been so horrible, that could even touch that level of devastation. Everything else would fade into small shards in comparison. But I ache for them in solidarity as a Mother.
Mothers who lose their children bear a burden of unimaginable horror. There is nothing but that. There is no single thing as precious as a child. Any one of us would, without a moment’s hesitation throw ourselves into danger to protect our babies, so strong is our love.
I think of those mothers right now, and feel their collective grief like a thrum in the air. Surely their pain is beyond bearing and is enough to turn the earth and colour the sky red.
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My therapist once told me that “regretting isn’t a bad thing if you learn from it and/or don’t repeat past actions”.
People tell me all the time that they can’t imagine what I’m going through. My response is often “then don’t”. If it hurts, don’t do it.
However, you’ve made me rethink that.
While I would never wish the experience of holding your child while they take their last breath on anyone else, I say, if thinking about this horror makes you appreciate your child for one extra second, once, then maybe it was all worth it.
You feeling this way.
Not me losing my child.
Beautifully written Magnolia and so, so true.
Thank you Pamlet. The tribe of mothers stands together in the face of all things and that is how we get through.
Torture. Abuse. Beatings. Rape. Confinement. Starvation. A life of pain. Severe burns. Enslavement. Severe mental agony.
Ask mother’s of children ‘living’ under these conditions if death is the worst thing that could happen to their child. :'(
You are so right. It is terrible to think there are things worse than death, and there are.