Why I Will Never Agonize Over Another Mommy Email Again

So I got this email:

Subject: Molly’s Birthday

Heather would love to go. Thanks.

An RSVP in a timely manner is usually a good thing. But since my 14-year-old daughter hadn’t actually invited Heather to her birthday celebration, sheer panic set in when I woke up to this email from a mom I barely know. 

“What do you think this means?” I asked my husband Doug, as he looked for his wallet and keys, which he loses every morning.

Doug shook his head. “That is bullshit.”

I found his wallet teetering on top of our fish tank cover. “Who RSVPs to something their kid wasn’t invited to?”

“She’s clearly trying to bully you into including her daughter.” He shoved his wallet in the back pocket of his scrubs. “Or it’s an April Fool’s prank. It is April first…”

“Moms don’t joke about things like this.” I unearthed Doug’s keys from between the couch cushions. “Obviously the kid’s feeling left out. This must be her mom’s way of fixing it.”

“This isn’t a Sweet Sixteen. It’s a dinner and movie night.”

As Doug kissed me goodbye, I realized I was on my own with this one. Dads don’t get flack for teen girl social drama.

I woke up Molly. “Did you invite Heather to your birthday dinner?”

She blinked a few times. “Wait, what?”

“Her mom emailed me to RSVP.”

She burrowed deeper in her blankets. “Heather hates me. She says I’m fake.”

Always looking for the drama-free path, I said, “Maybe you should just include her.”

“All I want is a small thing with my best friends. If I invite Heather, who I never hang out with, I have to include some of my other friends or their feelings will be hurt. Then I’m gonna end up with too many people.”

 Molly was right. The trickle-down effect of including this girl could double or triple the guest list. The year before she had a mall scavenger hunt party that included over 50 boys and girls from the grade. Over the years, there was a swimming party, a bowling party, and a sports themed party, all at venues where she could ask as many people as possible. But at some point, like when you’re only four years away from college tuition, it’s time to stop spending excess amounts of money for the sake of including everyone.

I’ve learned over the years when in doubt, always reach out to more seasoned moms. So I asked my running crew for advice on our morning trek.

“Social engineering at its finest,” said a runner, who has a daughter in high school and another in college.

“Doug thought it might be some kind of April Fool’s prank,” I said.

All three women looked at me as if I had two heads.      

“Who would do something like that?” said the other runner, a mom of two teen boys. “Maybe someone else accidentally forwarded her your invite.”

 “You can’t get sucked into including this girl, then adding more people to the list. Especially when Molly doesn’t even want a big party,” said my other friend, who has two teen daughters.     

So we figured out a diplomatic email. 

Subject: Molly’s Birthday

Dear Mama X,

Hope you’re doing well. I’m so sorry but I think there’s some kind of misunderstanding. Molly isn’t having a real birthday party this year. Doug and I told her she needed to keep it simple since she’s getting older. So she is just doing dinner and a movie with her best friends. Otherwise she would have included Heather, of course, as well as some other friends. She didn’t mean to leave anyone out. We could only make it work with a smaller group than we usually do. Hope you understand.

Best,

Eileen

 I had spent the entire morning stressed about how to handle this situation and then writing and re-writing the email before I hit send. I worried for another two hours about how my email would be received. Was it nice enough? Did it sound rude or exclusionary? Did I come across as a mean mom?

Finally, I got a response:

Subject: Molly’s Birthday

Sorry. Bad joke.

I stared at my phone screen, dumbfounded that Mama X really had used April Fool’s Day to call me out for not including her kid. In the world of suburban social engineering, it was a clever tactic. At the very least, her email would make me extremely uncomfortable, which is a good way to exact revenge. If she was lucky, I would feel guilty or embarrassed enough to force Molly to include her daughter.

I don’t know who I angrier at—Mama X or myself for letting someone make me her fool. This time I didn’t ask my mom squad for advice about a carefully worded response and I didn’t re-read my email a hundred times before sending it.

Subject: Molly’s Birthday

Honestly, it was in very poor taste Mama X. In general, it is not a good rule to involve teen girls and their social lives in a joke. Molly and I both wasted time this morning worrying that we had hurt your daughter’s feelings and trying to figure out how to work it out. Not sure why you would find that funny or involve us in your April Fool’s prank. I find it highly offensive. If you knew me better, and we actually had the kind of friendship where pranks were acceptable, you would know that I worry about including girls and not leaving people out and that this email would really upset me. You would also know that I have serious autoimmune issues and I don’t need to take up room in my life with stuff like this.

Mama X didn’t respond. But I learned from that point on never to let another mom’s email derail me from my drama free path again.

About the author: I consider myself equal parts writer and teacher. Iteach two sessions of the Novel Writing Workshop at The Writing Institute at Sarah Lawrence College. My debut novel “Worth the Weight” was selected as a compelling read from an emerging author for Barnes & Noble’s Nook First program. I recently completed “Babymoon,” book one of a rom-com trilogy which is currently being submitted to publishing houses.  I am a member of the national and New York City chapters of Romance Writers of America.  To learn more about me visit: www.eileenpalmaauthor.com, or follow me on Twitter or Facebook

*Heather is a pseudonym.