Do you have snotty obnoxious teenagers who treat you like crap?
Do they speak to you in that derisive tone like you just farted?

You know where they learned that? In the womb. Really… true story.

Scientists and linguists have just made an earth-shattering discovery that our babies are born already hostile and judgy as shit, they just don’t have a vocabulary yet. This is well-researched science, and you read it here first, babies have fully formed insolence well before they can even speak. In the research laboratories, scientists have developed a specialized device which can read and record the thoughts of babbling babies and children even before their derisive attitudes have been weaponized.

Here is a sampling of remarks babies made as recorded by these researchers:

Baby in utero:
– “Ok, so how precisely do you expect me to get out of that small hole? I think I will just turn upside down, wrap this cord around my neck and come out feet first. Time for a sudden and traumatic slit in your belly bitch”
– “OMG stop singing to me, you sound like a cat in heat, just shut up and get me some more cupcakes or I will give you heartburn and jam my feet on your bladder.”

Baby Year One:
– “Jeez Mom, can you possibly wear something a little cooler? You look like a  hobo. What if my play date friends see you in that spit-up stained sweatshirt?”
– “If you jam that nipple in my face after gorging on garlic one more time, I will bite that shit.”
– “What are you doing with Dad? Cut that out, it’s nasty AF, or close the door, nobody needs to see your hairy bumping uglies! God Mom, gross.”

Toddlers are the next stage of disrespect. They can babble, but in their brains, they are already fully formed teens.
– “Dad are you seriously going to wear that when you take me for ice cream? You look like a dork in socks and sandals.”
– “I want a car, one of those cool battery Jeeps with stickers for lights and I want it now!”
“I am not screaming because I am tired and hungry, I am seeing how fast I can make you get out of Macy’s”

As they develop actual language skills, they begin testing their chops at a higher level of scorn. We know this stage as pre-teen.
What they say: “It is ok Mommy, just drop me off here, I can walk the rest of the way to school.”
What they mean: “For fuck’s sake let me out woman before the whole school  sees me with you”

Then comes the true revelation of disdain, the actual teen years. They have spent the last 13 years and nine months sharpening their talons for the final battle. This is when they can fully express their thoughts in eyerolls  and speaking words we really don’t fully comprehend:
– “You are just furthering the narrative of the patriarchy so I am not listening to your rules, and besides you dress like an elderly goblin.”

This is about the time their father rolls into the fetal position and sinks forever into his recliner, and the Mother gives up on child rearing and starts going to paint and wine nights.

Maybe it would have been better if we didn’t discover that our teens have been practicing their harsh words since forever and we keep thinking it is just a passing phase.

 

*This is fake news meant to entertain, and we don’t need Fox News reporting it during their flat earth documentary. No scientists were involved here either. 

Magnolia Ripkin
Author

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

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