The Little White Lies Women Tell Themselves

Little white lies. We’re all guilty of using them, whether it’s to protect someone’s feelings or to get out of attending the fifth Pampered Chef party invitation we’ve received in a month. We stretch the truth on the internet to make our lives sound more interesting. We tell our teens that our wallets have more cobwebs in them than an Egyptian tomb to avoid paying for a concert we secretly don’t want them to attend.

White lies are used to avoid the truth about ourselves and our loved ones. We use them to validate our actions, manipulate situations in our favor and to help sidestep conflict with others.

Many of my female friends are very sensitive to the feelings of others and confess to using white lies whenever necessary. For instance, they would rather shave their heads than tell their husbands that they really didn’t want a nose hair trimmer for a birthday gift, or that their friend’s expensive bridesmaid dress looks more like a gunny sack dunked in a vat of Grey Poupon.

My own mother is guilty of telling me little white lies when I was a child. “If you eat all your carrots, you’ll always have good eyesight”…. WRONG. I consumed more carrots in my youth than the entire rabbit population at the local pet store, and I’m still sporting 2.5 readers. She also told me that calves liver is an acquired taste. Thirty years later and I still gag when I smell it frying in a pan with onions.

Here’s a list of the typical white lies that many women tell themselves:

*I’m only baking these chocolate chip cookies for the kids.

*All I need is five more minutes of sleep, and then I’ll get out of bed.

*The kids won’t notice we’re eating leftover tuna casserole two nights in a row if I bury it under a mound of cheese.

*I refuse to give away my size 6 clothing because I’m sure I can lose these last 20 pounds of baby weight.

*My husband doesn’t need me to remind him that our anniversary is coming up.

*I don’t waste time on Facebook or Pinterest.

*I can quit eating sugar and salt anytime.

*My husband won’t notice that I spent a fortune on yoga clothes but haven’t been to the gym in six months.

*One more glass of wine won’t affect me.

*I’m not sleeping…. I’m just resting my eyes.

*My husband will never see the extra charges from the Ikea store on our credit card bill.

*I’ll wake up early tomorrow to finish the project.

*My co-workers won’t care if I re-heat broccoli in the lunchroom.

*The kids won’t mind if we use their inheritance to invest in a billy goat farm.

*My husband won’t notice that I haven’t had time to wash my hair in three days.

*I’ll start my diet on Monday.

*My daughter won’t be angry if I tag her on Facebook with an old photo from her awkward, prepubescent years.

*The calories from the bites off my husband’s dinner plate don’t count.

*I’m sure my boss will be understanding when I call out of work for the third time this week with a sick toddler.

*I dance so much better after several vodka martinis.

*Just one more bite and then I’ll stop.

*No way was she born with a perfect body like that.

*My son won’t mind if I show his new girlfriend twenty hours of old family videos.

*I swear I didn’t eat the last slice of pizza. It must have been the dog.

*I’m only going to watch one more episode of Orange Is The new Black on Netflix before I go to bed.

*I don’t need to write down that information because I have a mind like a steel trap.

*I can’t understand why I’m not losing any weight. I haven’t cheated on my diet at all.

*My husband won’t be disappointed when I claim another headache for the third night in a row.

*I can’t throw away my collection of Hello Kitty socks—they might be worth a lot of money one day.

*Of course I’m on my way there. I left ten minutes ago.

*I’ll buy these jeans one size smaller because I know I’ll fit into them eventually.

*No, really, you don’t have to get me anything for my birthday.

*My life would be perfect if I won the lottery.

*I don’t snore.

*It’s perfectly acceptable to steal chocolate from my kids’ Easter baskets and hide in the bathroom to eat it.

*I’ll be ready to go in just a few minutes.

*Of course I love your new hairstyle. That purple mohawk really brings out your eye color.

If ten or more of these apply to you, welcome to the Little White Liar’s club. Now pass me that plate of cookies—- the kids won’t notice if we eat them all. We can always blame it on the dog.

(This post originally ran on Menopausal Mother.)

About the author: Marcia Kester Doyle is a native Floridian and a married mother of four children and has one grandchild. She is the author of the humorous blog, Menopausal Mother, where she muses on the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. Give her a glass of wine and a jar of Nutella and she’ll be your best friend. Marcia is a contributing writer for Huffington Post, In The Powder Room, What The Flicka and HumorOutcasts. Her work has also appeared on Scary Mommy, BlogHer, Lost In Suburbia, The Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop, Midlife Boulevard, Mamapedia, BA50 and The Woven Tale Press among others. She is the author of the humorous book, “Who Stole My Spandex? Midlife Musings From A Middle-Aged MILF” and is an author contributor to four other books. Marcia is a BlogHer Voice Of The Year 2014 recipient and her blog Menopausal Mother won VoiceBoks Top Hilarious Parent Blogger 2014. She was also voted top 25 in the Circle Of Moms Contest 2013. You can also find Marcia’s blog on Facebook and Twitter.