If you are anything like me, I am always on the lookout for original holiday gifts for family and friends. Screw the traditional board game or fast food gift card–I want to give something that says, “I care.”

I have learned along the way if you value any relationships in your life, there are certain gift items to avoid bestowing on your loved ones. I’m not lying when I say I have been on the receiving end of some of these ‘presents’ and it wasn’t at a white elephant party.

Trust me, there is a reason I got divorced. 

Gym Memberships – Because nothing says “you’re fat” quite like a year’s membership to LA Fitness.

Chia Heads – Trimming different styles of bush growth isn’t very holiday friendly. I’ll grow my own garden, thank you very much.

Fiber Optic Holiday Sweaters- I know these sweaters come with it’s own set of batteries, but unless it’s a vibrator, avoid using battery operated equipment on your body.

The Kitty Carpet – A toupee for lady-scaping fails. The  kitty carpet hides everything from a Brazilian wax gone bad to a stenciled happy face turned sad. Unfortunately, it’s reusable. In case you are a repeat offender.

Homemade Coupon Books – “Good for a free hug,” and “I will walk the dog once a week,” only proves that you were lazy as shit and ran out of time for a REAL gift.

Fundies: The Underwear Built For Two – I know the thought of bumpin’ uglies in a pair of tidy whities makes YOU horny as hell, but don’t assume your partner will feel the same way.

Any Book From the “For Dummies” Series. It’s a little presumptuous, even when you know, deep down, the person you are giving it to is stupid as fuck.

Kitchen Cleaning Supplies – Just a lovely and silly hint that women should stay in the kitchen. Where they belong. Fuck you, Kirk Cameron.

Poo Pourri Air Freshener – I’m not sure which is worse, this sitting on your bathroom counter or the fact it comes with three scents of “Original, Royal Flush and Number 2.”

Half Used Gift Cards – Nothing like a balance of 11.53 on a coffee card to remind someone you are a cheap bastard.

Now that I have warned you about what not to give, if you happen to receive any of these so called presents, you have my full permission to Re-Gift it to someone you hate.

Although I have to admit, the Fundies are kinda hot.


Jessica is a wannabe urban homesteader, living in Portland with her blended family of 4 kids, 3 rescue dogs and 4 chickens named after Starbucks drinks. A former pharmacy student, Jessica decided she like baking better than drugs so went to pastry school instead. Described by her friend as a "Feminist Jedi Master", Jessica can be found spreading 'peace and wisdom' over at her blog, The Dalai Mama, at www.travelingmercies-jessica.blogspot.com


  1. Hi Jessica, Great list. I can’t believe anyone would ever give the for the dummies series, but most especially I love you pointing out the gym one! I also love that your profile says that you loved baking better than drugs, hilarious! Who gives half used gift cards – omg! Hilarious!!!!!

    Cheers, Maria

  2. I would love for some one to prepay my gym childcare membership – but I’m a frequent flyer. I wouldn’t be offended. I didn’t know kitty carpets were a thing. Super disturbing.

  3. My MIL, i shit you not, once gave me a hair-removal-system. But it gets worse: she got it a rummage sale and it was “still in its original box” so waa-laa, what a bargain.

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