It’s hard to be a grownup, but once we’ve reached a certain age, most of us have at least learned to fake it.
These 10 people, not so much.
1. People who don’t understand how long minutes are and how many of them they need to be a grownup who gets shit done and arrives at places on time. They may, in fact, live in an alternate reality, and I just wish they’d stay there.
2. People who share memes that say things like “repost in 5 seconds or you hate Jesus.” These same people will send those email chain letters that tell you to “forward to 9 special women and a miracle will happen in 9 minutes!” I remember chain letters. They were slightly amusing. In the third grade.
3. People who steal parking spaces. What are you, two? Are you going to take my blankie next? You’re lucky that I’m an adult and you look like you have cooties, or I’d jump out of this car and bite the shit out of you.
4. People who say YOLO. Do us all a favor and take up basejumping. #yolo
5. People who become clowns. This is the perfect occupation for a grown child because responsibilities are few, they get paid to act like toddlers, and there are elephants.
6. People whose pants expose their butts. This includes under-butt and butt cleavage. If your ass is on display out the bottom of your shorts, you are only wearing underwear. If your pants are hanging so low that the entirety of your underwear-clad ass cheeks are revealed, those are not pants. Small children can forego the bottom part of an outfit. Adults wear pants.
7. People who drink Boone’s Farm. Boone’s Farm is what teenage girls drink when they don’t know how to drink yet. The only time this cheap-ass wine is appropriate is if you are skinny dipping in a pool at a house you broke into.
8. People who watch cartoons, unless they are stoned or were tricked by a small child. Don’t give me that crap about anime either. Anime is another word for cartoon. If you are watching SpongeBob or Dragon Ball Z, you’d better be wreathed in smoke or eating Cheetos. Or both.
9. People who are still wearing hair bows. Seriously. You look like a nitwit, and you are definitely not adulting. If you want to be taken seriously or even allowed to drive a car, take that fucking ribbon off your head.
10. People who laugh when someone farts in public. Adult code states that all inadvertent noise-producing bodily functions will be summarily ignored by all present, excepting little kids and the elderly because they just don’t give a fuck and that shit is funny.
I hope these 10 examples of spectacular failures in adulting have cleared things up for any of you cartoon-watching pantsless wonders. This grownup needs to finish my show before the kids get home.
*My Little Pony song starts playing*
About the author: Stephanie Marsh likes words and suspects she would like sanity, but really has no way of knowing. She can be reasonable, but not often. You can find her on her blog, We Don’t Chew Glass, and in two anthologies, Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor (http://survivementalillness.com) and the upcoming Adventures in Potty Training and Other Bathroom Mishaps.