It’s hard to be a grownup, but once we’ve reached a certain age, most of us have at least learned to fake it.
These 10 people, not so much.
1. People who don’t understand how long minutes are and how many of them they need to be a grownup who gets shit done and arrives at places on time. They may, in fact, live in an alternate reality, and I just wish they’d stay there.
2. People who share memes that say things like “repost in 5 seconds or you hate Jesus.” These same people will send those email chain letters that tell you to “forward to 9 special women and a miracle will happen in 9 minutes!” I remember chain letters. They were slightly amusing. In the third grade.
3. People who steal parking spaces. What are you, two? Are you going to take my blankie next? You’re lucky that I’m an adult and you look like you have cooties, or I’d jump out of this car and bite the shit out of you.
4. People who say YOLO. Do us all a favor and take up basejumping. #yolo
5. People who become clowns. This is the perfect occupation for a grown child because responsibilities are few, they get paid to act like toddlers, and there are elephants.
6. People whose pants expose their butts. This includes under-butt and butt cleavage. If your ass is on display out the bottom of your shorts, you are only wearing underwear. If your pants are hanging so low that the entirety of your underwear-clad ass cheeks are revealed, those are not pants. Small children can forego the bottom part of an outfit. Adults wear pants.
7. People who drink Boone’s Farm. Boone’s Farm is what teenage girls drink when they don’t know how to drink yet. The only time this cheap-ass wine is appropriate is if you are skinny dipping in a pool at a house you broke into.
8. People who watch cartoons, unless they are stoned or were tricked by a small child. Don’t give me that crap about anime either. Anime is another word for cartoon. If you are watching SpongeBob or Dragon Ball Z, you’d better be wreathed in smoke or eating Cheetos. Or both.
9. People who are still wearing hair bows. Seriously. You look like a nitwit, and you are definitely not adulting. If you want to be taken seriously or even allowed to drive a car, take that fucking ribbon off your head.
10. People who laugh when someone farts in public. Adult code states that all inadvertent noise-producing bodily functions will be summarily ignored by all present, excepting little kids and the elderly because they just don’t give a fuck and that shit is funny.
I hope these 10 examples of spectacular failures in adulting have cleared things up for any of you cartoon-watching pantsless wonders. This grownup needs to finish my show before the kids get home.
*My Little Pony song starts playing*
About the author: Stephanie Marsh likes words and suspects she would like sanity, but really has no way of knowing. She can be reasonable, but not often. You can find her on her blog, We Don’t Chew Glass, and in two anthologies, Surviving Mental Illness Through Humor ( and the upcoming Adventures in Potty Training and Other Bathroom Mishaps.

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  1. Oh yea? Well you can just bite me! *runs off to find teddy bear and watch cartoons*

  2. Ha! Nailed it, sister. Thanks for this post. I would like to add to the list: chain wallets. Who the hell over 17 wears them? Someone who doesn’t get laid very much, that’s who.

  3. You are so not kidding about the memes. I am about to delete friends on FB if I have to read another “hit like if you love dogs”. Drives me insane. Loved the post!

    • Gawd, I know! Someone, just TODAY, posted one of those. I feel like making one that says “repost if you’re an asshole.” 🙂

    • But just 15 more likes and your dog’s cousin will be cured!!!!!

  4. omg – my post today is about the jackwad who stole my parking space! I’m totally with you – what a pre-school thing to do. And people who say YOLO get my goat. Also, people who say “get my goat”.

  5. I’d like to add one more: people who hang “toy” key chains all over their backpacks. If you expect to be taken seriously as an adult, the Lego man and the oinking pig with the light up eyes dangling off your Jansport need to go. (To be clear, the backpack is fine–they’re functional. It’s the toys you need to ditch.)

  6. OMG, yes, the chain memes. I will not click on principle. And loved “the only time it’s appropriate is if you’re skinny dipping in a pool at a house you broke into.” Though in my neck of the woods I think the equivalent was Bartles and Jaymes. At least I haven’t had one of those since I was 12 and hanging out in the schoolyard.

    • Seriously, those memes drive me NUTS. And I drank so much cheap-ass wine back in the day…oh, the things I *don’t* remember.

  7. Pingback: Half A Post and Other Reasons I’m a Toddler | We Don't Chew Glass

  8. I love this so much. The chain memes make me want to unfriend all of my extended family. If they’re friends who post it, I unfollow them, because nope.

    • HA! I wish I could post a picture here – I am currently *wearing* a Ninja Turtles t-shirt. Hilarious. Thanks for reading!

  9. I agree with all your points except one. I can’t help laughing when someone farts in public. I think a fart is so funny sometime we bring a fart machine out to dinner. Can’t stop laughing. So I guess that makes me 1/2 adult!

  10. Boone’s Farm!!! ahahaha! I used to LOVE that gas station wine…when I was 17. This was hilarious!

  11. Wow you must be a blast to spend time with.
    There is being an adult and then there is being a complete bore.

    • qwertygirl Reply

      Wow, I bet you’re fun too because you clearly have no sense of humor. Pity.

    • I’m sorry…but I’m going to have to revoke your name. From now on, you are Gladys. You don’t get to be a Michelle again until you understand humor. Signed, All the other Michelles.

  12. Abbi Foster Reply

    Damn, I wanna be a clown! Elephants are like whipped topping on Jello!

  13. HAHAHAHA OMG I so don’t pass your adult test. I’m always late, I only like cheap wine, and I have to fight the giggles when someone near me farts. <3 Too funny!!!

  14. No! Not chain mail! I really believed (when I was 9) that I was going to get 1 Million postcards from around the world if I just sent mine to the top five people. I believed it!

  15. Love this! Usually I am meh with lists (because you know, inundation), but you got me with this one 🙂 However, I do admit to #10 on occasion, I blame it on my son for reengaging my toddler-esque sense of humor.

  16. Steph, where do you stand on Arbor Mist as a catalyst for skinny-dipping? Or, as my favorite refrigerator magnet reads, chunky-dunking?

  17. this was hysterical.
    add “guy who screams through his blue tooth so we all know
    why he makes so much money,
    he runs his own business,
    his crossfit/paleo routine
    where he’s meeting up with his girl
    his thoughts on politics (usually in the scent of summers eve. .)

  18. Lupus mom of 2 boys Reply

    Yeah, people forwarding FB or email chains “in order for something financial or other award will come your way in 24 hours” kills me. Will the FB fairies deliver this award? And they ALWAYS write “Just in case…” when they send it as if it might have a chance of happening. I really think there should be a study of type of people who fwd these. Drives me bonkers! My mom is the worst offender, by the way.

  19. I actually expected a serious article but this was hilarious. Number 10 reminded me of that one time when I was on a vacation on Mackinac Island, MI and someone burped loudly on the street. Suddenly everyone stopped and started applauding. I felt like I was in the wrong place… (Well, to be honest, Mackinac Island really is the wrong place in general…)

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