Self-cannibalism, and 11 other fun things to do with your placenta

I have found all the proof I needed that having kids can make you demented. There are people who actually research and inquire with hospitals about packing up their afterbirth and taking it home. As if you needed to think up things to do with your placenta other than let it be safely disposed of.

Yes… that internal temporary organ? They want to eat or garden with that shit. 

Placenta! It’s what’s for dinner. Not that we haven’t already commented on this once before, but people have upped the ante of nucking futs and so we feel compelled to remind you since clearly you weren’t paying attention.

I’m trying not to judge but—aw hell, forget it, I’m going to judge. I don’t know what you guys are thinking. YOU ARE EATING YOURSELF, you crazy shits.

I’m pretty sure putting a picture of placenta and onions in a frying pan would send everyone who is not crazy screaming from this article. So instead you get a picture of Hannibal Lecter. You’re welcome.

There’s no reason to engage in a disgusting act of self-cannibalism. Nope. None. No pain- or depression-killing benefits. And it’s the saint’s truth that nobody in North America needs the nutrients! I’m sure it’s nice and high in iron and all, but I was shitting proverbial bricks already my entire pregnancy from the iron content in the prenatal vitamins.

You. Don’t. Need. It.

I don’t give a patoot about how other animals do it. You’re not a naked goat in the woods. You don’t have to worry about tigers in L&D. Animals don’t get epidurals and analgesics. I also don’t see you volunteering to chew the umbilical cord with your own teeth to sever it.  

Let me give you one other good reason not to do it. Mad cow disease. It came around after people started the abnormal practice of feeding cows to other cows. It’s possible that eating your placenta might be harmless. But do you really want to be responsible for the next generation of brain-eating prions and a possible zombie apocalypse?

Here are 11 other real and nifty fun fucked things to do with your placenta, assuming you’re not eating it or doing something useful with it like donating it to medical science to make into skin grafts and stem cell treatments for people.

11 – Use it to make art. I cannot imagine (and don’t care to look up) what this entails, but I imagine a sort of bloody graffiti where you swing it by the leftover cord and slap it against a white wall a few times. Dexter-style. And then you sign your autograph in blood at the bottom.

10 – Nonseverance. Meaning, you don’t cut it. Yup. You carry around your rotting leftovers in a bowl or a thing called a Lotus Bag for 10 days, give or take, until it falls off the baby naturally. What is a Lotus Bag? Don’t ask.

9 – Jewelry. Yes, you embed pieces of a bloody organ into jewelry, if you want to look like a modern granola witch doctor. You will be the life of any party you wear it with your little black dress to.

8 – Ceremonial burial. In the event you want to erect a shrine to your leftover organs. This may please various pagan gods and be helpful for easing drought conditions. Do a dance on the grave just to be sure.

7 – Use it to make ointments. You know, for your cracked nipples, stretch marks, and haemorrhoids. Okay. Far be it from me to argue if you want to rub it on your butt, but if you put it on your nips, you’re feeding your weird hormone-y bits to your newborn. And you’re making them a cannibal.

6 – Cast it and do something arty with it, like a paperweight. Some place I read suggested you could use the placentas from twins to make a matching set of bookends. I have to admit, it’d be one hell of a conversation piece at your workplace. Your co-workers may speculate fearfully on what you do with your spare time, but I bet they’ll never try to steal your lunch. Ever.

5 – Freeze it and plant it with a tree as a birthday gift to your kid at their first birthday. This one’s not too crazy. Just don’t let the relatives look in the freezer.

4 – Let someone professionally encapsulate it and sell it to crazy people. If they pay you for your afterbirth, I’d consider doing this. You make money from people who clearly have too much of it, and then it might help defray the cost of these gold-plated disposable baby diapers. Win-win.

3 – Use it to whiten your teeth! Cause why would you pay 69 cents for a bottle of hydrogen peroxide when you can stick your own placenta in your mouth for free?

2 – Paint your baby’s clothes with placental blood. I am not sure why you would want to decorate your kids with nine month old period blood, but if we’re going to be painting ourselves with blood, I would prefer to use the blood of my enemies. Just sayin’.

1 – Traumatize your children with a placenta teddy bear. This needs no extra words.