The Baby Pod; it sounds like a soft and cozy bassinet that swaddles your baby in a womb-like manner, but no. It is far more complex.
By now, most of you have heard about this fantastical fad for pregnant women. The wondrous Baby Pod is a tampon-like device that you introduce into the very depths of your most intimate area. This unobtrusive little rascal will surround your sweet fetus with enchanting tunes intended to aid in his or her development.
It’s a no-brainer; the only thing left to do is to ponder your playlist… “What songs do I want my vagina to play?” Hop onto itunes and let your fleshy jukebox soothe your baby with your most cherished melodies.
Keep in mind that before an expectant mother compiles her Baby Pod playlist, she must first determine what message she’d like to convey, after all, this is a fetus we’re talking about and they take things very literally. What mood will she create for the tiny life growing inside her? Perhaps she’ll adhere to the traditional cliché; classical music. What mother doesn’t aspire to grow a big-ass, smarty pants brain for her unborn child?
I think your fetus will roll her eyes and die of boredom if she has to endure one more version of Clair de Lune. Think outside the box and deliberate like you’re making a mix-tape for your 8th grade crush. It has to have meaning and purpose. We’re talking about a future human being- don’t fuck this up!
The construction of our Baby Pod music library must be a deliberate and painstaking process. Most importantly, a mother must bear in mind the characteristics she’d like to nurture; confidence, intelligence, kindness, honesty, a sense of humor, self-love, healthy sexuality, courageous…
There is no chance in hell that I’d subject myself to another pregnancy, but hypothetically speaking, these would be the most perfect songs for my pussy play-list…
Been Caught Stealing, by Jane’s Addiction: I’m not sure if this song is pro or anti-shoplifting, mostly because I can’t understand a fucking word he says, but either way, your fetus will get the picture. The only part of the song they’ll remember is “I been caught steal-in’, once, when I was five…” That’ll scare them for life.
Me So Horny, by 2 Live Crew: “I’m like a dog in heat, a freak without warning, I have an appetite for sex, ‘cause me so hor-nay.” I mean really, I dare you to name any parent who could explain sexual desire better than these guys.
Grease Lightening, by John Travolta: I recommend this one to develop your fetus’ sense of humor, mostly because he calls his car a “pussy wagon”. Hilarious, right?
Papa Don’t Preach, by Madonna: The is the sad story of a girl confessing her unplanned pregnancy to her father… what courage this takes. I know I wouldn’t have the balls to do it, I’d just claim a tumor with hairballs and teeth was housed in my gut, but I was too scared to have it removed because I considered it my unborn twin sister.
Sugar, by Maroon 5: My kids fucking love this song and I can see why. Adam Levine is fucking hot and he’s singing about how he needs this chick’s sugar, which we all know means pussy, and we all know that a great pussy translates to undying love, so clearly this is a great song to develop confidence for both girls and boys. Boys just have to want the sugar, and girls have to make them want it. Easy-peasy.
Ke$ha: Pretty much any song by this phenomenal gal will cultivate your fetus’ intelligence. According to an interview in Seventeen Magazine, her IQ is 140, and even though I don’t know what this means, I pretty sure she’s fucking smart and it’ll transfer to your baby via osmosis.
What Do You Mean, by Justin Bieber: If this song doesn’t scream kindness, I don’t know what does? He’s got this girlfriend who nods her head yes, when she wants to say “NO”, and Justin feels confused and conflicted. Clearly he wants to bone her, but needs to be sure of what does she mean because he doesn’t want to be accused of date rape later on. He’s helping her understand that her words must be more deliberate or she’ll just end up people pleasing for her whole life. What a gentleman.
There are truly so many good songs out there to add to your vaginal compilation, but these will get you started. Songs that strike you as learning tools for the cultivation of good morals and exceptional personality should be added to your Baby Pod STAT. Good luck with your crotch concert and may your fetus be ensconced in a blissful embryonic bath for the next 9 months.