Oh, Oklahoma – the Consensual Rape State

Oklahoma, the state famous for country singers, rednecks, being a strong contender for the most racist state in America, and having a trailer park as home to their Governor, has improved on its global standing.

Today, Oklahoma is changing its name from the Sooner State to the Consensual Rape State. You heard me right. Oklahoma is a Consensual Rape State. It seems impossible to imagine those two words together. What could make rape consensual? Wouldn’t it then be call sex? It appears that copious amounts of alcohol make it consensual. Enough alcohol for the ‘consentee’ to be out cold. Being out cold is consent.

Now, before you get your panties in a wet bunch, Oklahoma legislatures are not entirely backward. Only oral sex is okay if the consentee is out cold. You can totally do your business in or on her face, have a tongue grope, or complete your anatomy training as long as she doesn’t wake up and you don’t put your woodpecker in her sausage pocket or her turd tunnel. (Sorry, those are the two bigger holes you will find between her legs if that was too technical.) 

You see, this week, in a unanimous appellate decision, Oklahoma state court decriminalized oral sex with a victim who is completely unconscious. This is not satire.

Here are the circumstances leading to the ruling.

A drunk girl was seen being helped into a car and driven home by a boy. He said he asked her for oral sex, and she consented. Boy finishes on her face and the back of her legs while she is unconscious. She remembers none of it. The girl’s grandmother took her to the hospital (still unconscious) where her blood alcohol tested at 0.341. That level is known to cause lapses in and out of consciousness and loss of understanding. She was .059 away from a complete coma, or the equivalent of one drink.

The Tulsa County prosecutors charged the boy with forcible oral sodomy. That seems right. It was the judge that didn’t agree when he dismissed the case. I guess physical evidence and witnesses are just not enough these days. The judge ruled it couldn’t be force if the victim (and he used that word) “is so intoxicated as to be completely unconscious at the time of the sexual act of oral copulation.”

With this unanimous decision, the loophole is no longer a loophole. It is permission. Other defendants are already using this ruling in building their cases in Oklahoma. That’s right; similar cases are pending. Charming place.

To be fair, the legal community seems to be up in arms about wanting to reform the rape laws in Oklahoma. Not shit Sherlock.

So let’s forge ahead, just as the boy did, to what this ruling means. It is certainly great news for consensual rapists the world-round. An influx of such shining examples of society is expected to arrive by caravan in the coming months. Go for it felonious philanderers but stay far, far away from my teenage daughter.

The ruling also means that Oklahoma can be officially synonymous with words such as archaic, outdated, victim-blaming, unfathomable, and sickening. These words have been used by comedians to describe Oklahoma for years. It’s just now legal to do so.

I’m sorry this girl was victimized. I’m sorry the state that gave us Brad Pitt is now the pits. I am just sorry that the protection of women and men in vulnerable positions is compromised. It came down to an interpretation of language probably put on the books at a time when women couldn’t vote, having a slave was cool, and shtupping your sister was acceptable. Who am I kidding, the sister thing is probably still happening. It is Oklahoma.

With the recent focus on intolerance in the US, I am also sad that this will likely not be the last backward law coming from the land of the free this year.

It also means that for the foreseeable future, Oklahoma residents can find a nekkid girl sleeping off her likker, and claim her to have oral fun without having to beg for her oral consent. It’s your Umurkin right. Goffer it.

This post is endorsed by Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Silent Sam.