My daughters are drama queens. They come home from school daily telling me about some second grade little boy who called them stupid or placed a booger on their cheek, or about the little girl who doesn’t play with them at recess because another little tramp…little girl told her not to.
It just seems like the older they get, the meaner the kids are and the harder it is for me not to tell them, “Fuck it, just go to school tomorrow whooping ass and taking names. YOLO!”
I don’t because I’m the Mom who minds her own business. I don’t have time to foster relationships with other moms in the school hallways at drop off or pick up and never cared to. I’m a divorced, working mother of three who has shit to do that doesn’t involve being huddled in the school parking lot after the tardy bell rings, wearing yoga pants and a baseball cap while holding a Starbucks cup, comparing my kid’s accomplishments with the other Moms.
Call it anti-social if you want, I don’t care. This has never been my thing.
However, a recent occurrence that sent my first-grader home in tears made me start to wonder exactly what kinds of kids were I sending my daughters to school with and who in the hell was raising these little assholes?
So I decided to pay closer attention to my parental peers. I hung out at the school longer, chimed in on a few tardy bell conversations, and even attempted to squeeze into my only pair of workout pants a few times to at least try and look the part.
After weeks of research, I compiled a list of the 5 Mommy Cliques that Inhabit my Kids’ School:
The Alpha Mamas
Alpha Mamas are at the top of the food chain. These are the over-achievers who at some point have become the PTA president and/or vice president. These women are know-it-alls and have usually had at least two other children to attend the school. You know the one. She’s on a first name basis with all of the teachers and might as well have her own office considering how much time she spends at the school. She seems to have it all figured out, but there’s always a catch when it comes to this type. Either they’re very bossy and passive aggressive, or fundraising monies constantly come up short on their watch. Either way, they can’t be trusted.
The Breeders
Remember those yoga pants and baseball caps? Well, these baby mamas have that look down to a science! They’re usually stay-at-home moms who walk from their high-priced homes conveniently located a mere two blocks from the campus, holding the hand of one kid, with a newborn in a carrier attached to their chest, while pushing a set of sleeping toddler twins in an Orbit stroller.
Apparently, this Mom’s main purpose in life is to keep the family bloodline going. They’re typically nosy as hell because they seldom have lives outside of their kids and they’re heavily involved school activities because it gives them a greater sense of purpose and the chance to stalk their kid(s) all day.
The Up-Butts
The name says it all folks. These moms are always up someone’s butt! Whether it be their child’s teacher, the PTA president, even the principal…it doesn’t matter. This lady has no qualms about doing whatever necessary to make sure her child is included. She may have a career, but if so, it’s a very flexible one because she’s the first to volunteer for field trips, class parties, you name it. She could be a room Mom or PTA member, but she’s not brave enough to run for the coveted position of PTA president. She’ll settle for a co-chair seat and won’t mind over-extended herself either. Anything to ensure that her kid gets placed with the best teachers each year and/or is cast in the school play.
The International Mums
Most times, these are the moms of the smartest kids in the school. Nothing is more important to them than making sure their child is the brightest in the class and trust me, they don’t mind asking the teacher weekly if their child is still the smartest one in the class. They are never running late, but always in a hurry and they ask the most questions at Open House. Though dressed appropriately, they don’t really seem to care about their outward appearance. But, who has time to match patterns when you’re trying to solidify your child’s valedictorian spot in Kindergarten class? Duh!
Finally, the best moms of all and my personal favorite…
The Cray-Crays
This mom has the Mama Bear mentality down pat. She is truly a nut. It’s only by the grace of God that she hasn’t acted out the unspeakable things that go on in her mind if she feels as if her child has been wronged. And for the record, she ALWAYS feels her child has been wronged! The teachers and staff probably have a nickname for her, though she would never know it, and she wouldn’t care. She has the principal on speed dial and grills her child every evening to make sure her day went as smoothly as possible because her biggest fear is her daughter being left behind, singled-out or humiliated by a teacher because that is what was done to her as a student and she remembers the impression it left on her life.
Yes, you guessed correctly! I’m that Crazy Mama, but at least I acknowledge it and I’m working improving. While you’re sitting there judging me, ask yourself honestly…which Mom are you?
About the author: Brandi is the creator of craycraymom.com where she documents the highs and lows of life as a newly-divorced, single mother of three daughters; Maryn (8), Blair (6), and Harper (2). Her carefully crafted, yet chaotic existence is chronicled through personal anecdotes on how to deal with the daily demands of parenthood with humor. Brandi enjoys writing, reading, having sex when it’s available, and spending time with her daughters.
Instagram: @thecraycraylife
Twitter: @thecraycraymom
Contact: [email protected]
17 Comments
This post left me feeling sad. Not offended. Sad. It is the perfect example of women bringing each other down instead of bringing each other up. I feel bad for the writer because she sounds like she is letting bitterness hold her back from making some friends and from being part of her community. We are all doing the best with the time and schedules that we have. If the purpose of this post was to stir the pot…respect lost.
What a great read! I laughed all the way through. I’m a member of the PTO at my son’s school and this is sooooo TRUE!! LOL!! I love it!
Agreed, Melanie. So bitter and nasty; it’s just sad, nasty, and pathetic. I’m a very introverted mom and don’t socialize much with other moms, if at all, but I also am not about to justify that by insinuating that something must be wrong with those moms who have more social skills. Author needs to get a life, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.
Nice Read. Melanie, I think you should lighten up. If you read all the way through the writer puts herself in the worst category of them all. This was pretty funny as it relates to many of the Moms my and many of my friends have spoken about over the years having an 12, 10, 7 and 4 year old. I guess that would make me “The Breeder.” ?
This article is so true, I belong to my son’s school PTO. We have up-butt’s, cray-cray’s, alpha, breeders and international mums. Such a great read….Lol
Thanks for the morning chuckle! 🙂
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I enjoy this article very much I only have one child but I’m not sure which mom I am yet
I think I fit into the 6th group. The quiet, introverted group that would love to be friends with any of the other groups. We just don’t want to interrupt conversations and established friendships that have been in place for a while. We’d rather be invited over to your lunch table.:)
Yep. In think you’re right.
Not everyone has a hangup or is seeking to push either themselves or their child to the top.
I think the biggest category is this one you mention – who are just happy to see their kid happy and coping reasonable well, and to make 1 or 2 mommy friends, while busy with their own lives.
There is definitely at least one other group not listed here. You probably didn’t know they exist because you won’t usually see them. They are the ones who are working extra hard to provide for their children and their work hours plus the physical/mental demands of their jobs don’t allow them to hang out at school. They love their children more than anything and have to prioritize their time the best they can.
Ways to pin point who they are, their kids turn in class trip money or whatever the “Room Mother” is collecting at the last minute or late, their children will not ever be alone on special occasions but it will be a mixed array of grandparents, parents, step-parents, aunts or uncles that come to support them. When their child brings home a test with a low grade, they don’t get mad. They comfort their child, and find out what they need to do to help them get a better grade next time. These parents have tried to get involved a couple of times but are relieved when they have to bounce because of work. They accept their children are not perfect and help their children accept it too. Their children are usually more responsible and more open-minded than their peers and always sticking up for someone who has been wronged.
This group is super hard on themselves and may feel like a failure on many occasions but their children never see it that way. Instead their children think they are heroes or “the best mom ever”. Even as their children become teens and fight with them, they still hold admiration and a close relationship. Do not confuse these independent child as neglected. If one of their children are targeted or if they feel like their parenting skills are being questioned, they will get fired up and the only reason you didn’t hear about it is because they listened to their children’s pleas to not embarrass them when you threatened to “go up to that school right now!”.
These parents usually have a self-deprecating humor. It may seem like this group dislikes the other groups of moms, but believe me, they are relieved that they are there to take on all the things at school. They see the good job that they do and trust that these moms will take good care of things and their children while they are in school.
I think this group needs a name.
Agreed. So nicely summed up.
As mom of 4 kids ages 6, 17, 18 and 20, I think I fall in this category.
My 17 year old, an introspective and bright introvert, who has learned to embrace his own inner quiet, likes to say he is the Omega to all the Alphas.
(What’s interesting is that the Alphas will not thrive without everyone in their thrall.)
Maybe these should be the Omega Moms.
Dude…get a life.
Oh I’m the cray cray too, LOL! I worry about my kids all the time, but to be fair they are special needs and so I guess I’m more sensitive to that kind of thing. We have every one of these at our school, this year I tried to be nice to them to see if it made a difference. It did not. I just can’t deal with these people, it’s a shame that many adults seem to still be in high school! I just keep to myself, and I’m sure they all think I’m a major bitch, but I don’t care, LOL I’m actually very nice, but they don’t want to take the time to find that out. Their loss!
This made me laugh! My son is only three and attends daycare part time. I see the same women hanging out together in the parking lot. Tall, thin, yoga pants, coffee. I can feel their eyes on me as I take my son inside. I am sure they give everyone the intense once over. It is very intimidating and reminds me of grade school again. I am bitter from being burned a lot. I don’t trust people unfortunately. But deep down I would love to belong to some mom clique too.
The mountain will fall down, the water will flow, and you will never fall
Dad’s experience with elementary
I wrote a poem cause that’s how I roll.
Spare the rod spoil the child
Wear pink shirts with a big round smile
Just like mama a big black hole
Just like moma another lost soul
Hallway Queens are comming your way
Hallway Queens will make you pay
Patience dad always said
Don’t rile her majesty she most likely sad
Hallway Queens stride tall and proud
Hallway Queens kids are small and loud
Be quiet and invisible look down not divisible
Hallway Queens are comming your way
Hallway Queens don’t let you stay
Hallway Queens walk 3 Gems wide
Hallway
Queens often glide.
Remember the thing that Queens make Queens
If you ever bump one
It’s quite the scene.