My daughters are drama queens. They come home from school daily telling me about some second grade little boy who called them stupid or placed a booger on their cheek, or about the little girl who doesn’t play with them at recess because another little tramp…little girl told her not to.
It just seems like the older they get, the meaner the kids are and the harder it is for me not to tell them, “Fuck it, just go to school tomorrow whooping ass and taking names. YOLO!”
I don’t because I’m the Mom who minds her own business. I don’t have time to foster relationships with other moms in the school hallways at drop off or pick up and never cared to. I’m a divorced, working mother of three who has shit to do that doesn’t involve being huddled in the school parking lot after the tardy bell rings, wearing yoga pants and a baseball cap while holding a Starbucks cup, comparing my kid’s accomplishments with the other Moms.
Call it anti-social if you want, I don’t care. This has never been my thing.
However, a recent occurrence that sent my first-grader home in tears made me start to wonder exactly what kinds of kids were I sending my daughters to school with and who in the hell was raising these little assholes?
So I decided to pay closer attention to my parental peers. I hung out at the school longer, chimed in on a few tardy bell conversations, and even attempted to squeeze into my only pair of workout pants a few times to at least try and look the part.
After weeks of research, I compiled a list of the 5 Mommy Cliques that Inhabit my Kids’ School:
The Alpha Mamas
Alpha Mamas are at the top of the food chain. These are the over-achievers who at some point have become the PTA president and/or vice president. These women are know-it-alls and have usually had at least two other children to attend the school. You know the one. She’s on a first name basis with all of the teachers and might as well have her own office considering how much time she spends at the school. She seems to have it all figured out, but there’s always a catch when it comes to this type. Either they’re very bossy and passive aggressive, or fundraising monies constantly come up short on their watch. Either way, they can’t be trusted.
Remember those yoga pants and baseball caps? Well, these baby mamas have that look down to a science! They’re usually stay-at-home moms who walk from their high-priced homes conveniently located a mere two blocks from the campus, holding the hand of one kid, with a newborn in a carrier attached to their chest, while pushing a set of sleeping toddler twins in an Orbit stroller.
Apparently, this Mom’s main purpose in life is to keep the family bloodline going. They’re typically nosy as hell because they seldom have lives outside of their kids and they’re heavily involved school activities because it gives them a greater sense of purpose and the chance to stalk their kid(s) all day.
The name says it all folks. These moms are always up someone’s butt! Whether it be their child’s teacher, the PTA president, even the principal…it doesn’t matter. This lady has no qualms about doing whatever necessary to make sure her child is included. She may have a career, but if so, it’s a very flexible one because she’s the first to volunteer for field trips, class parties, you name it. She could be a room Mom or PTA member, but she’s not brave enough to run for the coveted position of PTA president. She’ll settle for a co-chair seat and won’t mind over-extended herself either. Anything to ensure that her kid gets placed with the best teachers each year and/or is cast in the school play.
The International Mums
Most times, these are the moms of the smartest kids in the school. Nothing is more important to them than making sure their child is the brightest in the class and trust me, they don’t mind asking the teacher weekly if their child is still the smartest one in the class. They are never running late, but always in a hurry and they ask the most questions at Open House. Though dressed appropriately, they don’t really seem to care about their outward appearance. But, who has time to match patterns when you’re trying to solidify your child’s valedictorian spot in Kindergarten class? Duh!
Finally, the best moms of all and my personal favorite…
This mom has the Mama Bear mentality down pat. She is truly a nut. It’s only by the grace of God that she hasn’t acted out the unspeakable things that go on in her mind if she feels as if her child has been wronged. And for the record, she ALWAYS feels her child has been wronged! The teachers and staff probably have a nickname for her, though she would never know it, and she wouldn’t care. She has the principal on speed dial and grills her child every evening to make sure her day went as smoothly as possible because her biggest fear is her daughter being left behind, singled-out or humiliated by a teacher because that is what was done to her as a student and she remembers the impression it left on her life.
Yes, you guessed correctly! I’m that Crazy Mama, but at least I acknowledge it and I’m working improving. While you’re sitting there judging me, ask yourself honestly…which Mom are you?
About the author: Brandi is the creator of craycraymom.com where she documents the highs and lows of life as a newly-divorced, single mother of three daughters; Maryn (8), Blair (6), and Harper (2). Her carefully crafted, yet chaotic existence is chronicled through personal anecdotes on how to deal with the daily demands of parenthood with humor. Brandi enjoys writing, reading, having sex when it’s available, and spending time with her daughters.
Contact: [email protected]