If you are bringing a phone to a funeral that is not the new Apple iPhone X, then you are being disrespectful. For those of us who are astute enough to know this, here are six natural ways to use your new Apple iPhone X at funerals to highlight others’ missteps and get the attention your new Apple iPhone X deserves instead of the deceased. Let’s face it, the guy’s dead already and he never even got to experience a new Apple iPhone X, which is the real tragedy here.

  1. Upon paying respects to the deceased, take out your new Apple iPhone X and capture the moment with a selfie. Your new Apple iPhone Xs superior true depth front-facing camera will really bring immortally. And, with the new Apple iPhone Xs photo editing, you can bring your dead friend back to life on all your social media accounts. Imagine the likes you will get for your professional quality photos from your new Apple iPhone X! Those other phones just make him look dead.
  2. While you are waiting to begin the service, express the depths of your sorrow with your new Apple iPhone Xs animoji. Sad really does look sadder on a cartoon racoon on your new Apple iPhone X. Remember practice makes perfect and should be done at the reception too. Maybe an animoji of a giraffe frowning might be more appropriate on your new Apple iPhone X since the deceased has these weird spots on his face and neck. Don’t be afraid to ask other party-goers mourners what they prefer. Their phones don’t do this, so your new Apple iPhone X will cheer them up. No Samsung has ever cheered anyone up.
  3. During the eulogy, scowl at the person next to you as their inferior phone continues to post annoying notifications on their inferior bright-as-a-flame screen. You know your new Apple iPhone X will not disturb anyone with its super retina full-screen display that adjusts to any light. Whisper this to your neighbour while gesticulating towards their phone. Add, “This is not a concert,” for emphasis.
  4. When the congregation stands to sing Amazing Grace, dazzle them with the stereo speaker sound on your new Apple iPhone X. The incredible harmonies from your new Apple iPhone X will bring a tear to all the remaining dry eyes. The tin box sound from those other phones will have everyone requiring earplugs, making it impossible to hear the widow cry.
  5. Offer the widow the use of your phone to catch her tears. Loudly proclaim, “My new Apple iPhone X is waterproof after all.” The adoration of all the other people will be evident. Plus, you are helping the widow so that makes you a hero.
  6. While having coffee after the service, use your new Apple iPhone X as a plate and a coaster and wave off all offers of napkins. Loudly proclaim, “My new Apple iPhone X saves trees.” People without the new Apple iPhone X coaster will immediately know they are ruining the environment and the funeral.

If it is this natural at a funeral to make everyone feel bad about their phone choice, imagine how comfortable it will be at your divorce proceedings or beside strangers at public urinals? The pastor may have said, “The most important things in life aren’t things.” People who believe that have never had a new Apple iPhone X.


Kristine Laco shares the stories we all have with a splash of sarcasm, a pinch of bitch and a ton of wine at Adulting In Progress dot com. Her middle finger is her favourite and she lives by the motto that if you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. She takes selfies at the gyno. Taco Tuesday is her gospel. Reality TV is real folks. She is making turning 50 a job because she doesn't have one.

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