I had a hysterectomy almost three months ago. It came as a shock due to a biopsy coming back positive for cancer. The treatment? A hysterectomy. This all came about in a matter of weeks and before I could say ‘cervix’ I was headed into pre-op to have my lady parts cut out. I had a fabulous support system through friends and family. But, every woman has a different body and the recovery process can vary. Despite being what I thought was completely educated about my surgery, nothing quite prepares you for what happens AFTER you’re wheeled out of the operating room. The weeks that followed were unique, to say the least. Let it be known there are several curses one must endure post surgery that don’t quite make it into the take home notes.
The Inability To Take A Proper Shit
Attempting to poop felt like the fiery gates of hell opened and satan himself slammed a hot fire poker up my ass. Only after 3 laxatives and 3 stool softeners did I finally go and then it was like a tsunami in my bathroom. I was like Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids shitting in the sink crying, “Don’t look at me!”
Engaging the Filter
Oh the things you will say while doped up on addictive narcotics. I highly doubt my mother wanted to hear me explain why my husband likes to call my boobs ‘delicious scoops of vanilla ice cream with cherries on top.’
The Smell
Holy fuck. Talk about a tuna sandwich going bad in the ol’ lunch box. The noxious fumes that emanate from your pleasure palace after surgery will force your partner to seek refuge in the guest bedroom.
The Magic Trick
You know the magic trick where the magician keeps pulling the scarf out from his sleeve and it keeps coming? Well the magician in this case was my gynecologist and the scarf was this post surgery packing material that had been shoved up in my lady bits.There is nothing I can say to describe the feeling of that bitch being pulled out.
The Orgasm
As if 2 months to wait before having sex isn’t bad enough, the time it takes to finally orgasm is even longer. I think I could have won an award. Seriously, my husband got a charley horse. In his fingers.
Weight Gain
You didn’t think you were going to get off that easy, did you? Oh yes, in addition to everything else prepare for the onslaught of some poundage. There’s no avoiding it because in between the weeks on the couch, the ice cream, the meds and Netflix binging, you’re body is going to fucking hate you.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not ALL bad. After several weeks you will start to come out of the fog as you wean off narcotics. Your poop will start to cooperate, the nuisance of periods and the fear of unplanned pregnancies will become a distant memory. You will be more relaxed having sex because you won’t be timing yourself how long it takes to have an orgasm. and most importantly, you will be able to eat tuna sandwiches again.
