The 6 Most Painful Kids Sports Injuries… Suffered by Moms

Kids’ sports are pretty intense these days. I’m sure you’ve read all about how the rise of club sports and travel teams has lead younger and younger kids to specialize in one sport, playing year round and experiencing sports-related injuries at an alarming rate.

But what about the impact on moms? We no longer get a three-month break between fall soccer and spring soccer, what with winter workouts and futsal or footy or whatever they call that weird excuse to grab more of our time and money. Where’s the study on that? What about the psychological impact of eliminating the transition from crazy baseball parents to different-kind-of-crazy basketball parents? Is anyone else troubled by the injuries to moms of year-round athletes? I think we need to take a hard look at increased rates of these—the six most painful sports injuries commonly suffered by moms:

1. Ball Beaner: The Ball Beaner, in which a mom suffers the direct impact of a sport-related projectile, can almost always be avoided. If only moms would be alert to the warning signs, which include people yelling, “HEADS UP!,” “LOOK OUT!,” or “BALL!” Sadly,  moms have podcasts and gossip to attend, and, in some particularly tragic cases, they choose to protect their Starbucks rather than their heads. (Good call, actually. You’re gonna need that to stay awake. Do you have any idea how many quarters or periods or whatever there are? Like a million.) 

2. Cleat Toe: Moms are at the greatest risk of experiencing Cleat Toe during the warmer months, when wearing flip flops. Cleat Toe most often occurs on the sidelines, where moms in folding chairs are frantically searching their enormous tote bags for water bottles, Band-Aids, or bug spray and fail to defend their toes against the swift and silently approaching cleat. 

3. Head Butt: A toddler’s skull can turn into a weapon in an instant—the instant the iPad battery dies. Moms trying to keep their littles quiet and entertained on the sidelines can be suddenly subjected to black eyes, chipped teeth, bruised chins, and all manner of Head Butt injuries. If this happens to you, don’t expect first aid or sympathy. Everybody will be too busy clucking over your little screamer and judging your sub-par parenting. 

4. Hump Back: Hump Back happens when you have to hump your chair, a cooler, umbrella (Tut-tut! Looks like rain!), game bag, and purse from the parking lot adjacent to Field 1 to the game being played on Field 8. Don’t even think about lightening the load by leaving something behind. Some mom will say, “Go ask Mrs. Price! She always has ice packs!” and you’ll  have to double-time it back to the car, missing the one and only time your kid touches the ball. 

5. Bleacher Arse: It turns out that keeping kids active, healthy, and fit requires moms to sit on their arses for hours on end. Sure, you could powerwalk the perimeter of the field instead of sitting on the bleachers. You could also bring your hand weights and do some light arm work at the half. But unless you want the other moms snorting and calling you “Prancercizer” behind your back, just try to stand up once in a while so you don’t throw a clot. 

6. Pee Tea Eff Me: This unfortunate syndrome occurs when moms attending cold weather sports rely on hot drinks to avoid hypothermia. Freezing temperatures render these poor ladies numb to their natural pee urges until the instant they climb back into their minivans and activate the heated seats, by which point it is simply too late to make it to an acceptably sanitary facility. Or so I’ve heard.

Stay safe out there, moms. May your bladder always be empty and your Starbucks always be full.