Listen up folks, I have had just about enough of every damned product on the market being aimed at people in their twenties. The entire retail world wants people under the age of thirty to buy their shit. Every freakin’ store is stocked to the tits with belly shirts and skater hats. It’s an ok look if you are 19, but a crashing failure to wear later in life.

This youth bias makes no sense when the average 23-year-old is either in school or making my $6 coffee at the drive thru for minimum wage. They don’t have money. Neither do the people with young kids.

Us vintage humans have the cash, so maybe start making stuff we want to buy? Clever inventors who want to own the 40 and over market, here’s your To Do List:

  1. Devise a solution for reader glasses that makes us look cool. Include a reminder beep in the frame that discretely lets me know the glasses I am hunting for are on my head.
  2. Sell me a full body compression garment with built-in pee holder. So when I’m in my party frock and drinking with my friends, I don’t have to think about leaky bits.
  3. Yo engineers, you invented 3D printers right? How about an automatic make up application machine? I am so damned tired of doing my whole face every morning for work. While you are at it, make a deluxe model that erases wrinkles. We would give you our firstborn for one of those.
  4. Make jeans that are flattering on Dad bods. We ladies like to bump uglies with the men in our demographic, so at least find a way to make their asses look like we might want to see those jeans on the floor.
  5. Because we don’t all have Michelle Obama-level guns, many of us who are “of an age” don’t want sleeveless clothing. So walking into a clothing store becomes all about finding something that isn’t a flowered mu-mu but also has sleeves. Even little ones… because buying a beautiful sleeveless dress and then the mandatory cover up “cute jacket” has become the peri-menopausal uniform.
  6. Shoes! For shit’s sake not all of us want to wear Birkenstocks and socks. If one more barely out-of-training-bras store clerk takes me over to the “sensible shoes” rack I may commit violence. I like to wear high heels, so do many of us. You know why we are sometimes forced to move to comfortable nurse shoes? It is because you assholes who make shoes don’t think we need arch support. A 110 pound 20-year-old can wear tippy shoes with rocks for insteps for her morning walk of shame, but I want to do it with some dignity and not with a limp.
  7. We want our own spas, hairdressers and other personal care services. Young people use the word “like” too much while they are sitting in the next chair over, and it makes me ruin my manicure while I am still getting it done. Oh, and while I’m creating a wish list, can we get nail technicians that are mutes? Yeah, that would be great.
  8. Toupee or comb-over adhesive. If the men are in denial about their emerging baldness, we shouldn’t judge, but at least have something on the market that lessens their flyaway rug when they drive their mid-life convertible.
  9. While we are dealing with the guys, can you just invent a one time dose of the little blue pill? Give them their dicks and dignity back with a one shot to the ass and we will achieve world peace. Wars could be prevented if politicians had reliable dicks.

Hear our pleas and please make our transition through middle age the party it should be.

I am now going to turn my thoughts to inventing a wine with calcium supplements…

Magnolia Ripkin
Author

Our Editor-in-Chief Magnolia Ripkin is sort of like your mouthy Aunt who drinks too much and tells you how to run your life, except funny... well mostly funny... like a cold glass of water in the face. She writes a flagrantly offensive blog at Magnolia Ripkin Advice Blog answering pressing questions about business, personal development, parenting, heck even the bedroom isn't safe. She is the Editor in Chief at BluntMoms. Other places to find her: Huffington Post, The Mighty and Modern Loss. You can also check her out in two amazing compendiums of bloggers who are published in “I Just Want To Be Alone.” And most recently, Martinis and Motherhood, Tales of Wonder, Woe and WTF

8 Comments

  1. Kristine Laco

    Holy Shit Magnolia, you did it again. There should be a warning so that I could put in a panty-liner next time. All true but #7 is my fav!

  2. Along with mute nail technicians, can we also include mute hair stylists and mute grocery store cashiers? I’m not in my forties yet (10 more months until I join the club), but I can definitely relate to this! 🙂

  3. RIght? Everything sleevless, wtf? The “cover-ups” consist of old lady frocks, plaid cowgirl oversized “things”, put you in a coma boring blazers and they try and trick us into ‘going for it’ with a really cute, not made of flannel, perfect little cover-up and BOOM, it has those fuc*ing little dangling snippets that you have to tie at the waist leaving the belly pooch fully pooched and the first thing that catches your eye! Why are we stuck with the Mrs. Doubtfire look?? Dammit, those bastards!!

  4. Automatic makeup, yes! Just like the Jetsons! While we’re at it, an automatic clothes changer (but no sleeveless dresses/tops!) and chef and…

  5. #4 because I’m not sure what happened back there or when but holy shit is it a disaster! Luckily I’m not in need of #10 yet but instead of a shot I’d settle for a cybernetic implant. With multiple speeds. And maybe rotating beads. Just saying.

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