All Aboard the Sleep Train

Fox News, which tends to be as trust-worthy as The Onion, recently posted an article about a new method to help newborns sleep through the night. Even though my newborn has suddenly become an almost 4-year-old while I wasn’t looking, I took the bait and clicked.

I thought for sure it was going to be some misleading and obvious sleep porn for parents, but it was legit. It seems to me the technique boils down to this: elongating both the feedings and the gap between feedings during the day translates into longer stretches of sleep at night for the toothless maws. 

Hard? Yes. Worth it? YES.

My head reeled at the possibilities. Ask any parent of an only child why they stopped at one and I guarantee one of the key reasons is how fucking hard that first year was.

Ask any parent what the worst part of being a new parent is and they will always say sleep deprivation.

I remember one morning after I’d dropped my husband off at work, sitting at a red light, a 4-month-old cooing in the back seat, and I stone cold glared at every pedestrian crossing in front of us.

I bet SHE had 7 solid hours last night.

I bet HE has a bedroom replete with 8 million count thread sheets and black out shades.

I bet SHE knows what day it is today.

That lack of sleep destroyed most of the good vibes of that first year. I was in a Terry Gilliam movie where other people’s mouths turned into dragons and I would weep if someone honked at me.

I know that you’ve felt the same way.

Imagine – if you never had to have those poisonous thoughts.

Straight up, I would have Duggar amounts of babies if it meant I could still sleep. You’d see my genetics everywhere – a veritable child army of little me’s stumbling all over the Earth, pooping and writing about their pooping.

But, shockingly to me, the world is not embracing this idea. Terms like “torture,” “unrealistic” and even “impossible” are being tossed around.

WHY CAN’T WE HAVE NICE THINGS, INTERNET?

Why can’t we give this a try?

Hear me out.

If new parents got more sleep, BOOM, we wouldn’t turn into old nerd parents as quickly.

Exhibit A-Z: Try having a snappy conversation with your Mom about pop culture. The 17th time she asks you to repeat yourself or asks who Matthew McLawnMower is, you will immediately get frustrated, leave the room and go punch your unsuspecting brother in the back. Her beautiful brain (and boobs for that matter) started to get sloppy and droop around the edges the day you came out. Lack of sleep, raising a human being without fucking it up and not having the crutch of Netflix or iPads back in the day slowly but surely drove her slowly but surely stupid.

Now, if you don’t care about having a cool Mom, perhaps you’d like to see infectious diseases cured? I guarantee if all scientist parents could get 8 hours of sleep after Junior Scientists popped out, every disease would be stomped out and Idris Elba would be President. (I’d be ok with 50% of that being true.)

Sleep is that magical. Real chemical-free sleep is something you cannot buy, but if you could package it and sell it, sales would support the economy of three Earths.

If you could harness sleep and a newborn at the same damn time, why the fuck wouldn’t you at least try? Make babies our bitch; take back the night from those red-faced dictators, waving their tiny fists in the air. 

Sure, it’s new and weird and progressive and scary, but do you think cavemen would have looked at the Baby Bjorn and co-sleeping and thought – “GREAT IDEA, GUYS”?

No. Let’s try this shit. Let’s get some sleep.