I was halfway through my second pregnancy, when one of the popular girls in the locker room noticed me. Let’s call her D.
D was the class president of 24 Hour Fitness. She had a large, fabulous wardrobe, and she wheeled around a suitcase full of make-up and jewelry. She was also a Mary Kay representative, so she got to know everyone. And eventually, she approached me.
“When did that happen?” she asked, addressing my large belly that was propped up above a tired-looking pair of underwear.
“About five months ago,” I said.
I explained that I was having a baby girl who was due in March. She congratulated me, and then she went about the rest of her duties: choosing pumps, consulting with the other locker room ladies regarding her choice of earrings and drawing a new make-up face on top of her regular face.
This was exciting. She had never talked to me before, even though technically I wondered if she was just talking to my abdomen. If I got to know her better, maybe I could join the other popular girls using the mirrors and blow dryers at the more private end of the room.
Months passed and I had a healthy, 8-pound baby. And then I took three months off for maternity leave. When I returned to the gym, I was anxious to see if I could regain my favorite spot at the mirror or if I would have to work my way back up the pecking order.
“You’re back! How is the baby?” said D, the first day she noticed I was there. I was standing in the third best spot at the mirror coveting a working hair dryer. My social standing was mostly intact. And my baby girl was great.
“Are you going to have any more kids?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Absolutely sure? You took care of all that.”
She was gesturing toward my stomach again, which was continuing to get a surprising amount of attention from her. I can assure you that my stomach is nothing special, especially the post-partum version.
“I’m sure,” I said.
Though I wasn’t sure how many times I would have to continue to answer the birth control question. I was absolutely sure that I wasn’t going to accidentally have more kids. Because, I’m gay.
Under normal circumstances I don’t have trouble sharing this with people. But probably because we were surrounded by half-naked women, I felt more self-conscious about this fact of life. And I couldn’t stop thinking about how awkward it would be to tell someone who was also half-naked about my sexual orientation, especially after so long and looking so straight while I was pregnant.
So, I never said anything. And D kept asking me about birth control. Or she asked at least one more time, at which point I told her that I was probably too old to have more kids. And then she asked me my age and snorted when I told her.
The truth is that having kids for us was epic. It took two years and multiple rounds of fertility treatments which, now that I think about it, would have been an easy enough explanation for not having more kids. I don’t see D anymore, because I changed gyms when I got a new job, so please allow me to share my new answers to the birth control question with you. Am I going to have more kids? No….
1. We broke the test tube.
2. Our credit cards are maxed out.
3. We’re fresh out of eggs.
4. It was last call, and we were cut off.
5. There is no sperm in our relationship. Actually, there is but it’s in a freezer in Virginia.
What would you have said?
By: Sarah Ann Gilbert
Sarah writes with sarcasm about science, gender, feminism and fertility issues on her blog sevenlittlemexicans.com. When she’s not dreaming about being a “real writer,” she works with 50 psychologists at her “real job.” Sarah lives in Denver with her soon-to-be-wife, two girls and an ungrateful dog. She is working on memoir about becoming a parent. If she had more free time, she would spend it lobbying the state government to make down vests and flip-flops the official uniform of Colorado. You can talk to her on Twitter @7littlemexicans.
10 Comments
Thanks for sharing, Sarah! There’s no good answer, regardless of your orientation or reasons. I’m a one-and-done mom (produced in time-honoured fashion, which was quite expensive enough to my wallet and body). When I tell them I simply don’t want any more, I get treated like I have three heads or I’m the biggest jerk in the universe.
So I just smile and say, “I’m done, but you never know…” and they can draw their own assumptions about what I’ll do from there. 🙂
So simple! I am always overthinking it.
Why do naked people feel the need to talk to each other. Um.. no. I will meet you at the juice bar, later.
Haha. This too.
Exactly!
I love this! I dream of a day when people feel little need to justify themselves to anyone. I think I am way to snarky and sarcastic to get into long drawn out conversations in locker rooms. 😉
So funny how you describe that woman – we all know her. She is in your moms club, your gym, your neighborhood. Who attacks half naked people with birth control questions though? I think you should have said ‘My wife had a vasectomy’ and just watched her head spin around on its axis in confusion.
This is a very good answer and almost as confusing as the question. Definitely adding this to the list!
Welcome to Blunt Moms Sarah. Your voice is great, and frankly, I would have paid money to see a video of Queen Bee’s face if you laid your list out to her as an answer. Seriously… gold baby.
Or you could have asked her if she would be willing to carry your next one for you and your partner. People are very talkative until you ask them to borrow their baby maker, then it gets all quiet.
I have a special look I give people like that. It involves akimbo eyebrows and close proximity to their face.
Love your piece… and happy to see it here with us.
Thanks for welcoming me! I’m thrilled to be here.
As a general rule I try not to lay into people although I have made too many exceptions when talking to the bank or Home Depot, sadly.